Tear Stained Reflections

change is on the horizon

2011-05-22T22:34:00.002-05:00

Time has a way of changing people. I guess it really isn't so much time as it is everything that occurs during that space. I look back on the girl who started this blog and I see someone so different. I've changed. I've grown. I've learned so much about life, people, and relationships. It's time for the place where I pour my heart and empty my mind to change too. I haven't settled on any new blog names yet (suggestions always welcome!!) but when I do you all will be the first to know. Thank you for walking through this journey with me.

<3. E

Jumping Hurdles

2011-01-30T19:24:00.008-06:00

In junior high and high school I always wanted to be one of those runners that could jump hurdles. It looked….fun? tragically cool? One day I was somewhere- maybe some youth event or something- and there were hurdles. I had the great idea that I’d give it a try- no instructions, no training, no warm-up, nothing. I stood at the start and was convinced that I as missy long legs and I was cut out for it, regardless of whatever else I may be missing. I took my running start and BAM! I slammed right into the hurdle. I got myself up and told myself “E, you can do this..it looks so easy.” I walked back to the staring place and took my running start again……BAM! I slammed right into the hurdle a second time. This time it was my pride that hurt. I decided a couple tries was about all I was interested in giving this little hurdle jumping experience. It was a lot more than I had bargained for, let’s just say that.

Getting my PhD has been a lot like my experience jumping hurdles. I’m at the start of the track and I can see all the hurdles lined up before me- the GRE, Admissions, comprehensive exams, dissertation, and defending the dissertation. I’ve been out of school for a little while and quite frankly I’m a little out of shape, especially to be running the sprint I just started. And by sprint, I really mean like 100 yard dash. Estimated graduation time Spring of 2012. In fact, I’m already (almost) 5 classes down.

This Christmas I took the GRE. This was my biggest hurdle, or what I thought was going to be my biggest hurdle. Reading and test taking have never really been my strong point and having little time to study didn’t help my confidence level any. (not to mention I spent 2 weeks studying vocabulary reading the book upside down, oopsie!) I took the exam and on the first try I scored well over enough for admissions. The only explanation I have for passing the GRE is a lot of prayer and a bigger will for my life than what I can control. My second hurdle, gaining full (non-provisional) admissions, was pretty easy; the first hurdle was the only thing standing in my way. So, on the first day of class, exactly 2 hours before class started, I was granted full admissions into the program I’m already pretty much halfway through.

Until October, my big hurdles are out of the way. Although, that doesn’t mean that in the meantime I’m not training on some mini hurdles - “omg, what am I doing to myself” hurdles, reading assignments, papers, motivation, friends, priorities, work, sit at the computer and just cry hurdles, “omg, I can’t do this” hurdles, etc- some days are great days, other days are a lot like my very first experience jumping hurdles.... tragically uncool. I guess life has a funny way of working itself out and I got my hurdle jumping experience after all…

"The ability to succeed requires the realization of what one wants and the passionate desire to attain it."

to Hungary and beyond....

2011-01-05T15:30:00.000-06:00

Budapest has been very cold but a lot of fun. Seeing family and getting time to spend with them was really valuable.

After leaving the airport we went to an authentic Hungarian place and had dinner. I tried veal for the first time, surprisingly I really enjoyed it. It came with his noodle dumpling thing and a really fantastic sauce. Mmm.. For dessert we came home and had Hungarian style ice cream- that was very rich and creamy (much better than Blue Bell if you ask me). Over dessert we planned the next couple of days.

I got to visit a lot of historical places in Budapest. There was fresh snow on the ground so the pictures turned out really great.

Hero's Square

This place is a remembrance of the unknown soldiers and the Kings throughout history who have had a part in developing Hungary. Each kings statue has a picture below it that tells a piece of the history.

The Basillica

Parliament

Castles and Palaces

The architect here is so beautiful and rich. It adds a lot to the scenery and it all tells a story. I saw so many things I've forgotten which was which but the pictures are too beautiful not to share.

At this particular place (all the pics above) was a statue of Anonymous...you know the guy who wrote all those poems and has tons of quotes ;) Here he is....

A Palace

I even got to eat a little bit of Tex-Mex here in Hungary. I'll admit the burrito was pretty tasty at this place:

Some scenery and snow

My time in Budapest is up- time sure did fly. I'm headed back to Paris tomorrow to catch my flight back to the States on Friday. Next time I blog will more than likely be from Texas!!

Pastries make me smile, a lot.

2011-01-04T15:03:00.012-06:00

I have a lot to update on- I'll try to make my post a little bit shorter than the one a couple of days ago (but there is so much to tell you about, so no promises).

In France, or at least in Normandie, everything closes down on Sunday. It's kind of nice to think that everyone gets to enjoy a day off,but it's frustrating when you want something to eat. One of the only places open at 2 on Sunday afternoon was McDonalds (aka MacDo) so MacDo it was for lunch. This was unlike any McDonalds I've ever seen- it was three stories and pretty fancy, it even came complete with a bakery. Of course, I had to take a few pics.

I'm not entirely what these were for, but it looked as if you could place your oder electronically. I didn't go over to find out, unfortunately. But, i'm convinced this is the future of ordering at fast food places.

One other thing about France, and from what I'm realizing most of Europe, they don't have public bathrooms. In fact, in most places you have to have a receipt or pay to use them. At the MacDo's there was a sci fi bathroom you had to enter a code before the door would open. A bit weird and bad luck if you really had to go...I'm a woman, bathrooms are really important to us.

Since there wasn't many places open we spent time around Caen (in Normandie). I got to see William the Conquerer's castle and enjoy some really tasty pastries.

Some pics from the downtown of Caen:

The French may not smile much but they sure make up for it in their tasty pastries. Pastries, mmmm- I'm definitely my mother's child. :)

Nutella Donut thing- I can't spell the french name for it so this will have to do. :)

P.S. Nutella rocks. You should try it. Careful, it's addicting.

Lemon Tart

William the Conquerer's Castle:

This is a building inside the walls of the Castle, I'm not entirely sure what it is for, we didn't go in. But, I thought it was pretty all the same.

On the top of the castle you could see the skyline of Caen, it was beautiful. This picture captures some of that. I took a video but I haven't had any luck trying to upload any of the other ones I wanted to show you guys. So I'll have to find some place to put those.

After that we headed to a French theatre to see if we could catch a movie in English. We ended up seeing Another Year. I know, I know you're thinking "I've never heard of that movie!" and don't worry you aren't missing much- unless of course you really enjoy films that end at the most awkward moments with absolutely no resolution. :) The movie theatre looked like something out of 1990 complete with coffee bar and movie rental place. Of course, I snapped a couple pics.

Caen was a great little city with a lot of history. I wish I could have spent a couple more days there but I headed off to Hungary on Monday. I was greeted at the airport by some very familiar and smiling faces- my aunt, uncle, and three cousins. It was really nice to see them. They had flowers and Hungarian chocolate for me, that was an added bonus. I only get to see them a couple days every four years so I'm definitely looking forward to spending some time with them and of course seeing Budapest. The only downside, as my aunt says, it's hideously cold (-4 degrees celcius which is only about 20 degrees Fahrenheit) but there is so much snow! I can't wait to share some of those pictures with you.

Happy New Year

2011-01-04T13:55:00.005-06:00

I can't believe it is already 2011. It seems like 2010 flew by in a big whoosh.

About a month or so ago I met a guy, he seemed really great (for a few days). After a couple days he looked at me and told me he thought I was too rich to date. I kind of laughed and got a little offended at first because I'm not wealthy in a monetary sense- although I make sufficient wages for me. But, I got to thinking about it today- I am rich. I'm rich in family, friendships, blessings, happiness, and in culture. I have a lot of people and things around me that force me to get out of my comfort zone and experience life in different ways. 2010 has brought me some of the richest blessings and for that I won't be offended nor will I apologize.

The past two weeks have been a pleasant reminder of just how "rich" I am. I have experienced a different culture, built friendships, and lived life without being connected to my phone, the internet, or rushing around in a crazy haze. 2010 was a year of change, growth, and richness. I'm excited to see where 2011 will go and hope it is 100 times more rich than 2010. Thank you 2010 for helping me experience and learn a new part of me and a new part of life.

I've included a couple pictures from new years.

Oh la la, Paris, You're My Style

2011-01-01T14:12:00.018-06:00

Bonjour!!!

Wow, I'm so sorry I didn't realize it had been a couple days since my last update. Things have been busy busy here which means I've got a lot to cover. Grab a drink and snack and enjoy- it's going to be a long post.

I've come to the realization that red(ish) colored hair is rare in France. It was a bit of a surprise to me. Also, most of the women here have boyish figures, no real curve or shape. So as you could imagine me and my red(ish) hair and my curves were a fresh sight for these men. Most Persians and French people don't smile or make eye contact. Being American, I smiled a lot and I made eye contact. I'm sure that was also a bit unusual. Difference tends to entice people. Most of them just stare, but every so often I get an "Oh la la". I find that really entertaining. When I arrived in Paris I asked my friend what the biggest difference was between American men and French men...she couldn't really answer but i've come down to this- an American man could like you for a year and never tell you or ask you out (can i get an Amen?!) but French men are very vocal and forthcoming about what they think about you. The Oh la la is the perfect example...and most of them ask you to at least share a Coffee or a beer (since they drink at or before every meal there is no time of day a beer isn't acceptable) in the first 5 minutes of knowing you. Some of my favorite quotes of the day have come from the select few men who have approached me. I'll break it down:

Character Drawing Guys- you all have seen them at six flags or any major tourist attraction...these are the people that ask to draw character sketches of you for a couple bucks. There were a ton of these guys most places we went and they were like metal to a magnet when it came to me. There wasn't a one who didn't comment on my face, my eyes or my hair color. My favorite one though said "Oh I like...you're my style. Oh la la". I'm not entirely sure what style that is...but still pretty flattering, right?!

Creepy Dance Guy- there was a group of three guys "dancing". And when I say dancing what i really mean is thrusting their hips and swaying. At the end of their performance one of the guys (the creepiest) came up to me and pointed to his cheek. I hesitated for a really long time because I wasn't even sure I wanted my face anywhere near his. Believe me if you had seen this guy you'd feel the same way. Everyone was staring so i decided to play along...just as I leaned close to his face he whipped his head around and planted one right on my lips. Um, Ew. I'm convinced though, I made his day.

Italian Guy- as we were leaving L'Arc De Triomphe a man passed me and very loudly said "oh la la" i whipped around thinking it was my friend (since i had just been molested by the creepy dance guy, see above). when he saw i turned around he started following me out of the tunnel. We got to the top of the stairs and he stopped me and we chatted for a while. It was about 2 minutes into the conversation he said "I could talk to you for the rest of my life!!!!" He then asked me to have a drink with him by saying "I want to have a drink with my love..." He then promptly started undressing himself so I could check out his skinny body. It took everything in me not to just bust out laughing. I guess what stopped me is he had a really sexy accent.

Direction Guy- I know this sounds funny cause we all know in America a man wouldn't ask for directions if his life depended on it. So, when he approached me asking for directions on how to navigate the Paris metro I knew he had stalked me around the metro for something a little more. My friend and I humored him anyway and gave him directions. After she went to all that trouble he turned and looked at me and asked me to have a beer. Had we not been rushing to catch a train i would have said yes; he was really cute. Anyway, he was really polite and did I mention he was cute? :)

Ok, well besides all the fun I've been having with French men I'll give you guys some other things I've been doing the past couple of days.

L'Arc De Triomphe

This beautiful arch is a symbol of the end of the revolution. There are tons of names and a fire that burns in remembrance of those who lost their lives. It is also surrounded by the biggest traffic circle in the world. It's at the end of a long shopping strip called the Les Champs Élysées. The following pictures are from the arch and the strip.

The next few pictures are of a concept car at one of the dealers on the strip. I have a couple car nut friends (cough AMS), these are for them:

There is a famous bakery place, LaDuree on the strip as well. They, to my understanding, invented Macaroons (what I call little hamburgers). Of course I had to stop and get a few to taste. Hopefully I'll have time to pick some up and bring the back with me so people can sample them too:

To end the day we stopped to eat at a little cafe close to Notre Dame. I had beouf bourguignon for dinner. It was simply fantastic. The meat was so tender it fell apart on it's own. MMM. This place also served the biggest beer in the world, at least to my knowledge. The glass you have to pick up using two hands.

The next day was by far my favorite day. I got to visit the Musee Du Louvre. In school you learn about all these famous artist and sculptures but it was so special being able to see these historical pieces in person. I was only able to cover 2 wings so I'll definitely have to go back and visit sometime so I can see the rest of the museum. I've included what pictures I was able to take of some well known paintings and sculptures and the outside of the Musee. The original outside of the building is the brown colored houses. Architect Pei designed the glass triangle piece that is now the entrance and focal point of the Louvre.

Just a couple pieces I liked:

Now some more famous works:

That was my last full day in Paris. We rode the train to Normandie to bunk up at Ashley's for the next couple of days. Before hopping on the train we stopped to grab and early dinner. I ordered a martini and it came complete with a glow stick- now the party is really getting started. I couldn't help but find that funny...so I took a picture to share. :) Once back at Ashley's we kicked back, had some home made cider and spent the next few hours blowing up an air mattress (only to realize when I went to lay down it had a hole and we had just wasted the last four hours of foot pumping). Just a few silly pics for your pleasure.

This has to be the worlds biggest vending machine. No kidding. It comes complete with drinks, food, laundry detergent, and toilet paper...and of course various other objects. I think America should have some of these....seriously.

Ashley's friend Bertrand in my slippers, ha:

Ashley working hard to blow up my bed:

The past few days have definitely been an adventure. Tomorrow is Sunday and most of the shops and places in Ashley's town will be closed, it'll be nice to have a day to just relax. On Monday I leave for Hungary to spend time with family for the week.

Au Revoir!!!!

Falling in love with Paris one day at a time....

2010-12-28T18:54:00.015-06:00

Paris reminds me a lot of New York. It's crowded, very smelly, and the streets are confusing for new comers and even sometime-ers. After circling parts of Paris a few (too many) times we finally arrived at the hotel yesterday- exhausted, tired arms from lugging around 5 suitcases, and cold. The hotel is cute and quaint and I mean quaint in every sense of the word.

This is the size of the hotel room, roughly the same size as my bedroom.

Honestly, I cant believe they call this a closet- this wouldn't even hold the stuff I have in my suitcase for two weeks. Let's just say this, if all the closest here are that small it's no wonder they wear the same outfit three days in a row...

It's so different over here.... But it's different good. Although, I felt at home when I was able to get one of these:

The food is fresh and delicious, getting dessert after lunch and dinner is pretty standard....and so is getting coffee. Dessert and coffee, two of my favorite things. The coffee here is so much more amazing (even the Starbucks coffee) than the coffee I can get at the local grocery store. The coffee alone will be hard to leave. Anyway, I digress...I know you all want to see the pictures, not listen to me chatter on and on about the fantastic crepes, pastries, coffee, and gorgeous men (who dress so wonderful- I find it hard not to stare). Also they have hot red wine with orange and cinnamon....it's pretty tasty.

I've tried to pack as much as I can into each day. The metro saves a lot of walking time, although even with the metro there is still tons and tons of walking. It's cold, windy, and rainy- but the sites and everything I'm getting to visit and experience makes up for the weather. In some parts of Paris there is still some snow on the ground. If I'm lucky maybe it'll even snow when I'm here. Here are a few pictures, with captions, from the last few days.

I'm sure everyone can recognize this one- the Eiffle Tour. At night it sparkles on the hour, every hour. It's a lot like tons of strobe lights all over. I haven't seen it in the day yet, but hopefully tomorrow I will be able to visit during the daytime and get some better pics and actually climb up the tour. I'll admit though, climbing all the way up that makes me a little bit nervous.

Hiked up this very long set of stairs to get to the Sacer Coeur.

Surrounding the Cathedral (Sacer Coeur) there were tons of little bistros like this- cozy little places with pretty delicious crepes.

Another one many will recognize, the Notre Dame. As I toured there were people having mass- pipe organs, choir, and priest not that I could understand what he was saying). This is another place I'll have to go back to during the day so that I can get a good look at the beautiful stained glass windows.

Dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe, Paris

That's all I've got for now- definitely looking forward to tomorrow.

Au Revoir!!!!!!

The Red Eye

2010-12-27T06:03:00.001-06:00

This is my first real and true international flight. I'll admit I was a little a nervous, maybe even afraid. Being in a plane with no real exit for a lot of hours is a bit daunting. But, the first flight was pretty great, I had the entire row to myself. :). I kept saying a little prayer that my second flight would be just as cozy. But, it was far from the cozy I had imagined.

I guess I never really expected that there would be so many people going to Paris the day after Christmas. Guess I wasn't the only one with a really fantastic idea. :) Needless to say, comfort wasn't on the top of the priority list. I guess it's been a while since I've flown, But can we about the size of seats!?!?! I didn't remember how small, uh tiny, airplane seats are....it's like they expect everyone to have the tush of an adolescent girl. That's not really what I got going on back there. :-D. Just sayin'.

Well, were getting ready to land in Paris, so I better get going. I think its finally setting in that I'm really gonna be here for 2 weeks. I can't wait to see what the day holds.... stay tuned.

SQUEE!!! I'm in Paris.... :-)

It's Christmas Time in the City

2010-12-24T22:48:00.002-06:00

GRE taken (and passed), check.

Paper submitted to the International Sustainability conference, check.

Packing finished, sort of check.

Finally, I think I’ve taken care of all those little odds and ends that needed to officially wrap up my semester and get my vacation under way. I spent the last couple of days running around crazy trying to get things together to finish up Christmas for my family and get everything I need for Paris. Just one more day and I’ll be on a jet plane headed to the other side of the world. As for now, I’m enjoying finger foods, Lifetime Christmas movies, Larry the Cable Guy and spending some good quality time with family.

May you and yours have a very Merry Christmas and may your life be filled with abundant blessings in the year to come.

Home for the Holidays

2010-12-18T09:59:00.000-06:00

The year is winding down. It’s a little strange how quickly it seemed to have flown by.

I’m sitting in my last class for the semester, it’s nice to have that feeling that I’m almost done for the year. I still have a paper to write….and it’s gotta be a good paper…fingers crossed I’ll be published by sometime early next year. That’s the hope.

Other than that, I’m getting ready to head out on vacation for 3 weeks. I’ll be visiting my family for a week and then I’m off to Paris France and Budapest Hungary! I’m really excited, I’ve never had the opportunity to really take a vacation, let alone to Europe. My plan is to blog my trip complete with pictures.

This year has been a fantastic year. I’m a bit sad to see it go, but I can’t wait to see what’s in store next year.

I guess I should get back to class….bah

Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas and a fantastic New Year!

With a Thankful Heart

2010-11-24T16:26:00.004-06:00

Thanksgiving, it’s a time to reflect, express gratitude, and appreciation to God, family and friends who have been blessed. This year, I have a lot to be thankful for!

I’m thankful for….

The special people in my life:
1) My family: I am very thankful to be the daughter of two godly, loving, patient, and supportive people. The past few months have been up and down for me with starting school and accepting new responsibilities at work and my parents have been faithful to lend a listening ear, give advice when necessary, and to be patient as I try to achieve my goal (which generally means long timeframes between visits). My parents have always given everything they could…and probably sometimes given things when they weren’t sure how they were going to make it work.

2)My friends: I couldn’t begin to name them all, from acquaintances to those friends who are genuine and very close to me. I couldn’t imagine my life without each of them. I don’t have too many close friends, but I’ll tell you something about the ones I do have- they are some of the most wonderful, amazing, and caring people who cherish my dreams and goals almost as much as I cherish them. They have been patient as my schedule has become more demanding and are flexible to meet me half way. They get me, even if I’m having a bad day or when I make a mistake. Ultimately they want what’s best for me (and vice versa).

What I’ve been able to do and accomplish:
3) Going to college (again): Heading back to school was a big decision, and a quick one at that. I’ve known for a while that I definitely wanted to get my Ph.D. at some point but it was more about deciding on what and where. I expressed interest in a Master’s program at UTA and they called back recruiting me for a Ph.D. It’s been a roller coaster this first semester but I’m being challenged and that’s exciting. I love what I’m doing and that makes a big difference. I’ve been given the opportunity to present papers at conferences and to work on some pretty exciting research projects. I can’t wait to see what opportunities I will have in the next year.

4)The opportunity to travel: Traveling has always been one my passions. Unfortunately, I never really felt I had the time (or funds) to be able to take a decent vacation. With the new demands on my life I’ve realized the value of taking some time for yourself- and I’m doing exactly that. I’m so fortunate to be able to visit friends and family this New Years in Europe.

5)My Job: My job is demanding and challenging…but I love a good challenge to keep me on my toes. My job has been great to provide me flexibility as I’ve gone back to school. I’m fortunate to have consistency and stability and to work for people who will not only take an interest in what I’m doing but actively participate as I try to achieve new career and personal highs.

Good Fortune and Blessings:
6)Being financially secure: I’m not wealthy but I have everything I need and sometimes even some extra for some things I want. 

7)Good Health: I rarely get sick and throughout my years of life I’ve haven’t really had any major sickness. Overall I’m just in good health- that is a lot to be thankful for. Knock on wood.

Things I like about me:
8)Being a nice person: I’m not perfect, but at the end of the day it feels real good to know that I’m genuinely a kind person. I’d go out of my way to make sure the people in my life are happy and to take care of them in their time of need.

9)Accomplishing goals: I love the journey of striving to attain my goals and being able to celebrate when I finally do reach them. Something to be proud of…

10)Knowing when to let go: I rarely like to quit things, but I like knowing that I’m able to walk away from things that don’t make me happy. Sometimes, it’s better to let go of situations….even though it may take a little bit of time to come to terms with the whole quitting thing.

11)Knowing when to keep going: When the going gets tough, keep on going. There have definitely been moments where I was so overwhelmed I didn’t see how I could possibly keep going. But, there is nothing like coming out on the opposite side and seeing how successful you were and how much you grew as a person. Persistence is everything and you experience the most growth in the middle of the challenge.

12)Being able to laugh: It’s easy to laugh when things are rainbows, butterflies, and marshmellow clouds…it isn’t always as easy when things get tough. I love that I’m able to laugh through the good times and the bad times.

All sorts of other things:
13)Memories: Memories are things to cherish. And even though people have come into my life and left my life I cherish the happy memories I’ve shared with these people.

14)The Hard Times….because they make me appreciate the good times that much more.

15)Those who read the things I write: I enjoy writing just as much as I enjoy reading the comments people leave on the stuff I right. As well as being able to read the things they write. It’s like an exclusive community…and I’m grateful to be a part of it.

16)Those who serve our country: There are never enough words to thank the men and women (and their families) who serve our country and fight so that I’m able to keep my freedom.

17)The little things: The little things are what get me through the day. There is nothing I cherish more than the little things that are so precious….

18)Rainy days: There is nothing more calming and soothing than rainy days.

19)Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow: Yesterday makes me thankful for a new opportunity today. Today makes me look towards tomorrow and the fantastic opportunities waiting for me….

20)Songs that you hear when you need them the most

Wishing you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Learning is in the Challenge

2010-11-20T23:10:00.003-06:00

Sigh.

I'm sorry I've been so quiet- things have been complete and utter chaos around here the past month or so. I've definitely had my fair share of ups and downs but I'd like to think there were more ups than there were downs.

I'm trying to decide the best way to "catch up" with out boring you. I guess I'll hit some of the highlights:

- Over the past 4 weeks I've been in, probably, the most difficult class ever. Reading is practically my archnemisis...but...there was no way around the evil beast. I just completed my first public policy/theory course and the class required enormous amounts of reading (of propoganda). I swear I probably read more the past 4 weeks than I have EVER read in my entire life. And this is no exaggeration. Seriously.

- I'M GOING TO PARIS, FRANCE!!!!!!!! The plans have been in the making since about September-ish. But, it's official, plane tickets purchased. The planning, well I'm working on the planning piece of it trying to decide what attractions are "must sees" and which ones posibly could be seen on another trip. But, I know a portion of my trip will include a hop over to Budapest, Hungary to visit some family. I can't wait!!!!!

- I've felt very blessed and humbled. I always grew up never really knowing what I wanted to do with my life, and there are some days I still feel that way. But, I think I"m finally starting to figure it out. And, for the first time, I'm finaly starting to realize all of the potential my life holds. It's pretty motivating! Aaand....I'm realinzing that I have some pretty amazing (and important) people on my side, cheering me on to do great things.

Time Enough for Reality

2010-09-25T21:16:00.019-05:00

It's Saturday night and here I sit on the patio of Starbucks with an opportunity to update- FINALLY!

I don't really know about anyone else but this week (and last and probably the one before that) has been a beating of mass proportions. I'm not even sure where to start to try to explain the fury that unleashed the past couple of weeks. I keep looking around hoping there's a full moon to explain some of the crazy that's been going on- but it's a pretty dark night and there isn't a moon anywhere in my sight. It's actually pretty quiet, there's a cool breeze and the smell of rain still lingers in the air- my perfect kind of night. It's soothing to my weary soul.

My first Ph.D. class if officially over. WHEW! Technically it was over on Tuesday but I had a few lingering assignments that I just submitted via email- so I can now realy claim one down, (what will feel like) eternity to go. I was really surprised to hear I'd be doing group projects at the Ph.D. level- I guess I shouldn't have been considering that it's an incredibly accelerated program- but, I was. I also thought that a Master's degree would have weeded out the people who weren't capapble of accepting responsibility and pulling their own weight- I was wrong about that too. I don't like being wrong that much...seriously. I'm coming to the realization that this Ph.D will probably be the hardest thing I'll ever try to do in my lifetime. But, the other side of that, I'm sure it will be one of the most rewarding accomplishments I'll experience in my lifetime. I'm finally adjusting to sleepless nights, a shortened work schedule yet still maintaining the demands and meeting the expectations my previous work scheduled afforded, and the lonliness of always doing homework and having little time to socialize with family and friends.

I'm not as easily adjusting to my new role at work. Back in August management dished out promotions, 4 people applied and 4 got promotoed. You go into those kind of situations knowing and accepting there will be winners and losers- you never really expect there will be only winners. It kind of makes it feel not like winning at all, ya know? That situation was frustrating for many reasons- most of which I won't go into here. With this promotion I accepted official supervisory duties and a whole slew of other responsibilities- most of which I'm really excited about. That's always been my approach to work...get involved in as much as you can, learn as much as you can, and really make yourself an asset to the company. I question whether some of my coworkers maintain the same kind of approach. From the outside in it appears they want to do the bare minimum and be rewarded as if they did something super extraordinary. Now I know I'm an overachiever and I can't hold everyone to the same standard I hold myself to but I have some very basic standards I think are reasonable for most to achieve.
1) accept responsibility
2) come to work to work, not gossip or make excuses
3) do your work to the best of your ability (whatever level of ability that is)
4) be respectful

I don't think any of these things are monumental task but I'll tell you I'm realizing accomplishing those 4 things are like climbing Mount Everest for some. The past week or so there have been a few times that I've been at a complete loss- and as I sit here trying to unwind from the week I still find myself revisiting the same place of uncertainty. Uneager to move forward- hesitant to make any drastic changes- unwilling to stay in the exact position I'm in.

BEHIND.

2010-09-15T22:17:00.002-05:00

I'm so far behind I swear I'm in first place most days.

The past few weeks have been quite an adjustment. I can't seem to get caught up on anything. My daily routine has become the most boring routine anyone could imagine- I work, I do homework, twice a week I go to class, and on Sunday's I do laundry and go to the grocery store. Every few days sprinkle in a little bit of friend time and occasionally me time and call it a cupcake.

I'm behind on reading and commenting on blogs and I'm even more severely behind on writing in my own blog. There's so much I want and need to share. I feel terrible that I'm being so neglectful, I promise in just a few days I will visit each of you and read all of your updates and comment as appropriate.

Hope you're well.

E

It's Official-ish!!!!

2010-09-01T13:31:00.000-05:00

I’m a student again. Kind of, more on this in a minute. It all happened really fast, in fact, with little planning and absolutely no forethought- definitely out of my norm and character. That’s when the best decisions are made, right?! (Said with much hesitation, confusion, and maybe even a hint of fear in my voice). Here’s the story.

I get these slightly annoying news articles at work. Most of the time I don’t have time to read them but I scan them to make sure that one of my projects didn’t end up on the front page of the Dallas Morning news or the Star Telegram. One day sometime late July, in my scanning I noticed there was a new program at the University of Texas @ Arlington in Urban Planning and Policy with an emphasis in Sustainability. This excited me, finally a degree that ACTUALLY applies to what I’m doing for a living. Novel idea.

I called the University and left a message. The lady called back informing me that the dude responsible for the PhD program would more than likely be calling me to coerce me into that program instead since I already had one Masters. I mean, who needs two of those silly pieces of paper that say Master of something or other, right?! It only makes since to get a PhD. I obviously became impatient and couldn’t wait for him to call and coerce me- so I called him. I had a ton of questions.

Now back to this being a student thing...

I submitted my application to the PhD program (it didn’t take much coercing) sometime early August. I have yet to hear anything about my application status, however, was expected to start class on August 28th. Seems a bit back asswards to me. So, since my brain gets stuck in one way of thinking I didn’t go to class on the first day (seemed completely logical to me). Who knew you could actually attend a University you haven’t been accepted to and actually go to a class you haven’t registered for and also have no idea how you’re going to pay for. It’s like I get to take the class first and then decide if I want to pay for it after. And bonus….the program comes complete with my very own iPad. I’d never admit this to anyone BUT that may be what helped me make my decision. ;) ;)

There you have it- I’m back in school, kind of. I’m officially giving up the next two years of my life to slave away towards something that no one in my family has so far been able to achieve. I’m finally headed towards accomplishing a number of my dreams. It’s definitely a big mix of emotions...I kind of feel like I’m skydiving and am hoping to pick up my parachute part of the way down.

Why does food taste really good? AND Why does working out suck so much?

2010-08-23T22:45:00.002-05:00

I've always considered myself a bit of a foodie. There is something about tasting new and exotic foods that really exictes me. The way it melts in your mouth and all the flavors just seem to explode......mmmmmmmm! I also like trying new recipes- well, more accurately I like finding new recipes that someone else can cook first and so that I can try before actually making it myself (this way i have some idea what it's actually supposed to taste like). But, all of this doesn't go very well with my new journey to loose the pounds that seemed to have attack my stomch, hips, and butt over the last few months.

I never really had to worry much about my weight- I lived a really active lifestyle growing up and for a large portion of my college years. All that changed when I had two knee surgeries in a row. The down time sure didn't help me keep the weight down or work to take the weight off. I've struggled to get back into the shape I was before both of the surgeries- running isn't as easy as it once was. I guess becasue of the added weight it seems a lot more difficult- probably becasue i'm carrying a bit of extra "baggage".

All the same, I know the weights got to come off sometime. I don't like being this heavy and I sure don't like looking this chubby. All of that to say, I've developed a few simple rules to help me adjust to this new "way of life".

1) do not eat from any establishment that does not require you to get out of your car to get food
2) do not eat products that won't expire within the next year
3) most definitely avoid fried food and foods that are generally really tasty
4) avoid creamy and delicious foods (this includes ranch dressing, boo)
5) avoid foods and beverages that are made mostly with sugar
6) stop eating when you feel full
7) allow yourself at least one cheat day a week (yes! finally one i can live with!)

I've got big goals and I've got a few people holding me accountable- so, here's to following rules and getting skinny!

Happy eating!

:-) :-D :-)

2010-08-18T23:29:00.004-05:00

The past couple days have been really rough. Change generally brings a certain level of uncomfortableness and requires a little bit of time to adjust. But, i can't help but feel the level of uncomfortableness the last couple of days has been pretty unnecessary. I hate leaving work feeling angry, frustrated, and disappointed- my work is important, and none of those feelings are things I want to feel about something that's THAT important.

At the same time, my life is important. And, I'm no longer prepared to allow work to sabotage the enjoyment of life. Late nights, short and demanding deadlines, and the run of the mill office chatter and gossip. I've committed to leave work at work, and to save my "off" time for things much more enjoyable- smiling, laughing, and relaxing. I'll tell you, I've noticed there is something about smiling, laughing, and positivity that is infectious. As I've placed a large focus on it outside of work, I've noticed that it's slowly but surely starting to creep into all areas of my life- work included. In general, i feel better. I've noticed I smile more, I laugh more- and more genuinely, and I'm less focused on the things that historically upset me the most.

It's funny, but I've noticed how it changes my surroundings too....

Time sure Flies

2010-08-17T12:28:00.001-05:00

It’s been so long. I’ve neglected myself and being able to purge my mind from all of the thoughts that barge through my head all day. I can tell what a difference blogging helps in clearing my mind and lifting my spirits. I always commit to never leave my blog, but sometimes it’s so hard to take time to actually sit down every day and write it out. But, I have to- I need to.

I’ve really tried to take a lot more of a positive focus on things in my life. I think historically I used my blog solely as an outlet for me to drain my mind- and yes, I think that has its value too BUT I want to write about life experiences not just what might piss me off on any given day. So, while things are changing in my life- and there’s a lot of that going on- things will be changing on the home front of my blog.

It feels good to blog again- I sure have missed it.

7-7-7-7

2010-07-06T12:10:00.000-05:00

I’m going to be one of those Environmental “hippies” for a moment. Bear with me.

Since taking my job a few years ago I’ve really taken a look at my lifestyle and tried to identify and implement ways in which I can reduce my “carbon footprint”. Here in Texas it isn’t unusual to hear people talk about ozone (usually in relation to how hot the summer days get here) and the lack of protective barrier we have surrounding the earth. There’s probably a good reason for that. It’s a fact, ozone levels are generally the highest during hot summer months and there are a ton of health concerns that come with ozone-forming pollution- difficulty breathing, coughing, and sore and scratchy throats. Not to mention breathing ozone-polluted air aggravates lung diseases such as asthma, emphysema, and chronic bronchitis. The ozone, it’s important. It should be talked about. I just want to make sure that when we’re talking about ozone- we’re talking about solutions.

Many North Texans will be answering the call to take action for just ONE day between 7a.m. and 7p.m. on July 7.

I’m encouraging you to join me and many others in the fight for cleaner air by committing to ride a bike or take transit to work, carpool, check the tire pressure of your vehicles and do other vehicle maintenance (keeping a vehicle engine tuned properly , inflating tires to the correct pressure, and using the recommended grade of oil can increase gas mileage by up to 9% and save up to $.24 per gallon according to the US Department of Energy), drink from a re-usable water bottle made from recycled materials, pack a lunch, or choose from other clean air choices that help to reduce ozone-forming pollution.

I’ve made my commitment- it’s time to make yours. What are you going to do?!

For a full list of clean air choices, to view other commitments, and to log your own commitment for 7-7-7-7, visit: www.airnorthtexas.org

You Get Out What You Put In

2010-06-23T05:45:00.000-05:00

I got this really simple reminder off of a WonderBar package- “STOP! Read the ingredients. If you can pronounce it, your body will recognize it.” Ugh- kind of makes me stop and think for a moment….what do I put into my body day after day? This is such a hard thing for me…

I don’t know about other generations, but I’m pretty confident when I speak about my generation we definitely have come accustomed to instant gratification. We’ve grown up in a technology centered world, drive-thru food, and (in some cases) little appreciation for time. It kind of makes us demanding and sometimes our expectations are completely unreasonable.

I’m victim to this time issue. After a long, hard day at work it’s really hard to want to go work out for an hour or more and then come home and cook a healthy meal. Working-out takes time. Cooking healthy takes time.

Fast food restaurants make it so inviting for time constrained (and money constrained) people to drive-thru pick up something already made, quick, easy, and able to be eaten on the go. Sure, most of them are starting to offer healthier choices – grilled chicken wraps, salads, wheat buns, yogurt instead of chips, fruit instead of fries. But, the majority of the meats are still pre-packaged loaded with imitation everything and their sauces and dressing are packed with calories and fat. It’s no surprise that America struggles with child obesity, obesity (in adults), and other health ramifications.

We’re all pressed for time and pressed for money. Let’s be honest, eating healthy is expensive. I don’t know about you, but I loathe going to the grocery store. When I go I want to get what I need and have it last for a while. The problem is that items that are going to last a while are usually pre-packaged foods and those are usually high in sodium and have a ton of other ingredients that I cannot even pronounce. Buying fresh is the best option, but that means multiple trips to the grocery during the week and month. In the end, my body is worth it. My health is worthy it. Mind over matter (and my wallet).

Road Not Taken

2010-06-22T05:45:00.000-05:00

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference.” Robert Frost

Decisions- We all reach that point where we stand on the cusp of them- weighing options. Looking at each path, evaluating pros and cons based on experience of peers, family, and our own life. In the next coming weeks I’ll be standing at that very fork in the woods, reflecting on the path I’ve traveled and looking ahead. I won’t be able to travel both, no matter how hard I try to make both options work.

One option has definitely been traveled before, a path has been paved and I’m able to see a bit of what the future would look like. It’s promising and has promises of excitement. The other path, it hasn’t been traveled and it’s really hard to make out the future because the brush is thick. It’s scary and a bit overwhelming, but I love a good challenge because the benefits can be so wonderfully rewarding. Both have certain benefits and both undoubtedly have some draw backs.

Up to this point, my life has been fairly simple, little complications and relatively little opportunity for me to stand on the cusp of such decisions. I’m nervous yet excited. I sure wish I could give more details, but there are so many unknowns still. All I can do is stand with the path I’ve walked for my entire life behind me, face toward each bright and sunny path, waiting, hoping, pondering, wondering which path will be my new adventure - hoping and praying with every ounce of my being the right one rises up to meet my feet.

There are Strange Things Happening

2010-06-11T22:23:00.006-05:00

While wandering around Barnes and Noble this evening helping my friend pick out a few new finds for her reading pleasure she looked at me and said "E, can you explain to me why you don't read? You don't really go out and you aren't into TV? So, what exactly is it that you do when you're at home?" It's a really legitimate question and she makes really great points. Unfortunately, I didn't have much of a reply....

I loathe crowds. The idea of strangers constantly bumping into me is a bit overwhelming. The idea of watching TV sounds about as exciting as watching paint dry. I'd much rather spend my time with a few close friends enjoying nice conversation, fine wine and food (food's a definite must), and preferably some place quaint and not overly crowded.

Tonight I came home with two new books and I feel really excited about it!!!

AND, I'm in the middle of "reading" roughly three others. Granted, I've been in the middle of "reading" these three others for probably somewhere between six months and a year. Ha. I should note, my idea of "reading" is probably vastly different than the majority of other people's idea of reading. Maybe I struggle with ADD and it prevents me from reading one book all the way through. In fact, if I'm honest, maybe it prevents me from completing a book at all. I probably have no business trying to read multiple books at one time since I can't really complete one in any reasonable amount of time. All the same though, I've made a commitment to her to read an entire book with her and to meet weekly to discuss. I can't remember the last time I read an entire book. This should be really interesting but very exciting.

"Boot Camp" Week 1 in Review

2010-06-06T19:22:00.002-05:00

I can pretty much sum up this week in one word- TORTURE!

Monday marked the first day of meeting with the blessing (cough cough) I mentioned in my previous post. I will be affectionately referring to him as Satan Trainer Guy because I assure you he forced me to do things to myself that my body was never meant to do. Or, at least that’s how I felt.

As I approached the park very early Memorial Day Monday I noticed a scale and tape measure laying on the ground…he and I weren’t getting off to a very good start and I hadn’t even set foot out of my car yet. I sure prayed to myself this wasn’t a picture of how the rest of the morning was going to go. I mean, seriously, let’s talk about putting a woman’s insecurities all out there in the very first session. It was a lot like having a nightmare, but being awake. I’m not sure what I thought was going to happen; but my first session was the hardest and longest hour of my life.

Wednesday evening was no different. This week has brought me to the really harsh realization that I’m as out of shape as I’ve ever been and as I’m getting older it isn’t getting any easier to get back into shape.

The next few weeks are going to be tough. I’m going to be sore and hungry which probably also means I’m going to be kind of grumpy. But, come six weeks from now I’m fairly positive I’ll be seeing some results and these first few weeks with be nothing but a fuzzy memory.

I'm Starting Boot Camp

2010-05-29T23:19:00.002-05:00

Not just a weight loss boot camp but a life alerting, things are going to be different boot camp. I’m a person that believes life is about constant growth and evolution. I want to continually be changing myself and my habits (and my hair color). My life hasn’t resembled this the last few months. I got complacent, overwhelmed, and exhausted (physically and emotionally). I lost the fight in me and boy did I end up losing the fight. I let myself go, and you can tell.

I’ve always blogged for me. It’s my release. It’s my passion. It’s my outlet. But, lately I’ve changed how I write, what I write, and how often I write because I know I have readers who read just to know my personal life so they’re able to use it against me sometime in the future. (Einstein, I know you’re out there!!!!) They may let their negativity enter my work day, change parts of my social life, and overall just piss me off…but I refuse to continue to let that happen here in my blog, my haven, MY place. Truthfully, it’s gone on far too long. I refuse to let them continue to take some of the best moments of my life.

I believe God himself intervened and said, “E, this is pathetic, I can’t watch this anymore. It’s time.” Lucky for me (cough cough) he delivered a little blessing to help me stand up and realize it was time. I’m not sure what I’ll call this blessing (cough cough) yet but I’m sure I’ll have an appropriate name for it after Monday morning once weight loss boot camp starts. In all honesty though, they said I’ll meet you half way but you have to do the rest to get yourself where you want to be. And, it got me thinking. I can’t just expect things to change without implementing the change. Ghandi really says it best- “Be the change you want to see in the world.” So, starting tomorrow…I will be the change I want to see in my world.

I will write what I want and as frequently as I want because it’s what I love to do. I will speak my mind and confront those who attempt to use my personal thoughts and freedom of speech against me. Einstein, beware. I’m coming back with more fight than I had before. And, I’ll be in shape and looking pretty snazzy when I do it.

Sometimes Life can be Relentless

2010-05-06T14:38:00.004-05:00

Today I am happy to announce I have a guest blogger. Today's topic, cancer. It's a tough topic but what a powerful reminder that kids are resilient.

It's a heart wrenching, tear jerking, and powerful piece. I hope this touches you like it touched me....

------------------------------------

Dumb Stupid Cancer,

Who do you think you are coming into our life? Why should my son be forced to make some important life decisions at such a young age and within a compressed timeframe? What did a 17 year old boy do to deserve this? Instead of coming after me who has been around for quite a few years, you go after a defense less young man who has his whole life in front of him. You are such a coward to sneak in and wreak havoc without any advance warning. We can’t see or hear you but only witness the indiscriminate destruction you carelessly leave behind. You may think you can claim victory because you have left your scars and mark on the inside my son’s body but you have not taken his/our heart and soul.

I have bad news for you. You are not going to win! We have the best minds in medical science as well as their experience in dealing with you and your kind working for us. Plus we have faith in God and the support of many people on our side. I will spend and do whatever it takes to wipe you out. We’re not going to stop until your every last molecule is destroyed whether it’s on a strand of hair on top of my son’s head or in his little toe. You think you can go wherever you please but you will not be able to hide. We are going to hunt you down and eliminate you however long it takes. After that we are going to be watching to make sure you never ever come back. In short, we’re going to give you the finger.

Watching my son go through chemotherapy is hard to experience sometimes because it seems like his soul is being zapped out of him because of you. I can remember the exact moment my son came into the world both the doctor and I commented about what a head full of hair he had at birth. Now because of this battle with you he will lose it but that is only temporary. We know some aspects of my son’s future will be altered now but that only means there is a whole new realm of possibilities waiting to be discovered. You have disrupted our lives by introducing stress, uncertainty and discomfort but it will only be for a little while. We know going through such trying times will make my son more resilient and stronger in the long run. We will be able to look back one day and realize this whole nightmare was only a small setback on the journey called life.

We have been truly blessed with the outpouring of love and support from family, neighbors and friends. We have been introduced to the network and resources created by other cancer survivors and thoughtful loved ones something you probably can’t comprehend. You picked the wrong person to inflict with your insidious malady. My son has the benefits of youth going for him and he is a fighter. Make no mistake; he will be a cancer survivor.

No retreat, No surrender, No fear.

Sincerely,
Your mortal enemy

Restoration

2010-04-29T22:51:00.003-05:00

There’s a funny thing that happens when someone starts to let go. Here and now I’m in the midst of letting go, forgiving, and learning to allow myself a moment or two to just breathe.

For a long time I held a lot of anger. I was upset and confused about certain things that happened in my life, shaping my life in ways I never could have imagined. I carried this anger around for a long time. And while outwardly it seemed I had everything together, inside I was screaming and fighting.

It’s taken me years to get to the place I’m at now, but now that I’m here some really great things are happening. My family relationships have been restored. Other relationships, my contentment, my faith, my dreams, and my heart are also being restored. It’s really hard to put into words, but for so long I gave up on a lot of my dreams ever coming true. I lost the fight in me, but I’m so thankful that someone kept fighting for me.

I’m in a place where I can just be and there’s something really neat about that. Regardless that my lifelong planned failed three years ago and I feel completely out of control- I have an overwhelming sense of calm that stirs inside of me. I have the faith that all my dreams can still come true. And, I trust that no matter how often I turn my back or lose the fight in me there will always be Someone who never loses their fight, who never stops pursuing me, and who never lets me get too far away.

*Pics from Le Love

Stuck between here and there...

2010-04-16T00:04:00.001-05:00

I have so much in my head wanting to be put into words but I’m kind of in a place where I am at a loss. Rare, I know.

I want more. More out of life, more out of my relationships, more out of tons of things that I probably haven’t even thought of yet. I can’t really describe what more looks like or entails but I’m ready for whatever challenges it brings to my life.

That is all. For now.

OH MY GOODNESS

2010-03-23T22:01:00.003-05:00

I just realized it's been almost an entire month since I last updated. i actually sat down to write one today, in fact, the past two days. I've been sick, and by sick I mean literally confined to the walls of the little cozy place I call home. Unable to work and unable to get out and live life. Today I saw a break in the clouds, it looks as if restoration is on the horizon. Which means, new blogs are also on the horizon.

All time High

2010-02-24T22:15:00.003-06:00

Here recently I hit an all time high, and by high I really mean low. After two back-to-back knee surgeries my spirit began to weaken, my muscles began to atrophy, and my waist size started to increase. I had gone from working out on a daily basis, meeting with a trainer at a minimum 2 times a week, and doing an hour and a half of cardio every day to nothing. It’s been a long six months but slowly, and surely, I have started working my way back into a normal workout routine. Although minimized, I can’t begin tell you how great it feels.

Tonight, I decided I’d tried something new. I was nervous and definitely intimidated, but I had heard how much a coworker raved about the changes it brought into their life. There didn’t seem to be anything but my fear holding me back. And, truthfully, I’ve never really been one to let fear stand in my way. So I grabbed my workout clothes and headed to Bickram Yoga. For those of you who don’t know what that is- it’s a Yoga class with 26 challenging poses and taught in 104 degrees Fahrenheit with 40% humidity. I know what you’re thinking- but no, I’m not crazy.

I have never done Yoga, let alone subjected myself to an exercise class that wasn’t mandatory in school. Upon first entering the building I could smell the stench of sweat, and as people passed me as I stood in the doorway they were soaking wet. I stood their staring in an amused trance. Finally, the lady at the front desk greeted me, rather chipper and interrupted the dialogue taking place in my head. “Is this your first time?” She chirped. “Uh, yes.” I said incredibly timidly. “I’m waiting for someone?” Asking her didn’t do me any good, she had no idea. She was reassuring and confident that I’d love it and it’d change me. Little did she know, I am the queen of change. The lady spoke of peace, cleansing, and restoration. However, there was yelling and yelling- lock the knee, lock the knee, LOCK THE KNEE, Don’t loose the grip, FOCUS, Don’t look at me look at yourself!!!! Complete insanity, but completely wonderful all at the same time.

Tonight was a great night. I found a place of relaxation and a great low key workout- seriously, it was perfection. I feel great, and real hungry. I think everyone should give it a try!

Namaste.

“Who I am hates Who I’ve Been”

2010-02-23T22:47:00.003-06:00

It wasn’t too long ago I self imposed a hiatus- from internet, twitter, phone, and drama. How refreshing it was to get alone with myself. The past few months I’ve focused on taking my hiatus a few steps further, I really utilized imposed changes in my life and the New Year to take an inventory of me. It’s amazing what a good hard look at events of the past can do. I’ve realized some things I thought were important, just aren’t that important anymore. I realized for a long time, I didn’t want people to know where I was for fear that they’d see me, they’d see my heart, and not understand. I was closed and guarded. Frustrated and disappointed. Somewhere along the way my focus in life became entirely wrong- I’d gotten lost.

At first, I was incredibly unsure of how to find my way again but with slow, steady determination I started searching. It’s been uncomfortable and emotional at times. I’ve struggled with decisions. I’ve wrestled with doubt, fear, loneliness, conviction, the idea of forgiveness and patience. But, I’m finally finding my way. I know Someone who is faithful, loving, forgiving, ever present, and patient beyond my imagination. And, every day I choose to rest in that knowledge. I choose to trust.

It has taken me a long time to get here- and there are some days I find myself confused and dismayed. But, I keep searching. And, as I keep searching the answers and the right people are faithful to appear.

Note: Title of the blog is the title of a song written/recorded by Reliant K. This title is not an accurate depiction of my thoughts and/or feelings. Merely used for imagery.

The Day of Love

2010-02-14T21:51:00.004-06:00

Riddle Me This

2010-01-26T22:03:00.010-06:00

Some people have me,others only operate w/the belief they have me.
Some people desire me, others are neutral, and some avoid me.
Some people wouldn’t have a clue what to do with me.
Sometimes I bring out the best in people, other times the worst.
Some people easily lose me and some struggle to gain me.
Some people abuse me.
Some people have a great respect for me.

Control.

Never before in my life has this one topic been so prevalent. I’m in a new phase and a real growing stage at my job. It’s nerve wracking, frustrating, and just downright scary some days because I just don’t have all the answers and I really wish I did.

For the first time in my career I’m responsible for helping in the development of another employee- teaching them, training them, ensuring they have the tools they need to be successful, and of course keeping them busy. I’m fortunate that supervisory duties really lie with my supervisor, and I just get the privilege of teaching, training, and growing without the hassle of “actual management responsibilities”. It’s kind of a start towards bigger things but also gives me a small taste of what management would be like to help gauge my actual interest.

This journey has run the gamut of emotions and I doubt that will change much as I continue growing and learning. When I take on a project, I take ownership of it- and I can’t begin to express how hard it’s been to teach someone everything about my projects, to impart the emotion and the passion I have for what I do, and to slowly start letting go of my day-to-day project responsibilities and control. I’ve always found comfort in knowing that if control didn’t lie in me, it usually lie in somebody with more authority than myself. I’ve never been on the opposite side where I’ve had to relinquish control to something so unfamiliar. And, maybe, what makes me nervous is the amount of responsibility I feel to train, teach, and grow the person I’m giving the control. And, maybe, it's because I know how a person handles control says a lot about who they are and over the few years of my career I've lost a lot of respect for people who abuse/misuse their control. I don't want to be that person to someone else.

Humble Reminders

2010-01-19T23:20:00.000-06:00

Everyday there are men and women who put their lives in harm’s way so that I can live a privileged and safe life. If I’m honest, they put their families in harm’s way too for their families never know when they leave in the morning if they will return at night. And, should they return if they will be the same as when they left. They give up their freedom to fight so that I can keep mine. They run into danger when everyone else is running out. They are the people who watch out for me and the rest of the world as we sleep. They are police men and women. They are soldiers. They are firefighters. They are paramedics.

I know we have certain holidays to celebrate these men and women, but I don’t think it’s enough. As I stood in my office staring out the window today I witnessed the processional of an area DFW police officer who was killed in the line of duty. It reminded me of just how much men and women like him risk their lives and just how often I fail to truly be thankful for the jobs they do.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in frustration as I get pulled over for speeding, or I get stuck in traffic because they’ve blocked off half of the highway for a simple fender bender, even something as getting frustrated with Congress because of decisions or lack of decisions and my preference/political beliefs regarding the war in Iraq. Today, I am reminded of the sacrifices they make for me in a really sad and unfortunate way. Today, I choose to remember the Hero’s who daily fight for my safety and my freedom.

Confessions

2010-01-10T15:48:00.014-06:00

I confess, i'm impatient.
I confess, i've lied to you.
I confess, i know what really happened that night. I know you lied.
I confess, i miss playing the piano.
I confess, you have annoyed me, greatly.
I confess, i have struggled with things and never told anyone.
I confess, i haven't always been the best friend.
I confess, i can be unforgiving at times.
I confess, i'm so glad you're here and in my life.
I confess, i don't open up to most people.
I confess, i have some fantastic memories, made in bathrooms.
I confess, trusting doesn't come easy.
I confess, you hurt me more than you'll ever know.
I confess, i forget to be thankful for everyday, simple things.
I confess, i miss you.
I confess, i get jealous.
I confess, some days i'm insecure.
I confess, i have huge dreams.
I confess, this isn't really what i envisioned.
I confess, you weren't the person i'd have picked.
I confess, you didn't deserve what you got.
I confess, i feel anxious when i can't park on the left side of Sonic.
I confess, i have no idea what went wrong.
I confess, i fell for you.
I confess, i love being really tall.
I confess, i've given up before.
I confess, i enjoy sweets way too much.
I confess, i work too much. It's an escape.
I confess, there are a million things i'd change.
I confess, i love food.
I confess, i've made wrong decisions.
I confess, i will probably never get over my issue w/public restrooms.
I confess, i am obsessive about how clean my apartment is.
I confess, i've laughed so hard i've peed my pants.
I confess, i long for a vacation.
I confess, my life wouldn't be the same without you.
I confess, i love singing at the top of my lungs.
I confess, i need to give back more.
I confess, you shaped my life, a lot.
I confess, i've been shallow.
I confess, i love to people watch.
I confess, i think yelling is a really silly way to communicate.
I confess, i feel sorry for you.
I confess, i laugh at inappropriate things.
I confess, working with you kills my spirit.
I confess, i love making people laugh.
I confess, you really did have a TP.
I confess, i've ran simply out of fear.
I confess, i can't stop watching reality TV.
I confess, i regularly feel anxious and overwhelmed.
I confess, i color code my closet in ROYGBIV order.
I confess, i have a weakness for men who wear jeans & suit coats.
I confess, there are things I shouldn't confess, ever.

I borrowed this idea from Heather. I was really touched and moved reading hers and thought that i'd give it a try. I was really surprised at how much weight I felt had been lifted off my shoulders. Why not start 2010 with a clear conscience.

Down Time

2010-01-10T15:18:00.004-06:00

This week I decided to take some down time- some much needed down time.

I noticed that a large portion of my life is spent staring at a computer screen, overly engaged in text messages and phone calls, and idly engaged in twitter and facebook. I spend 8+ hours a day on a computer at work then come home and get on the computer some more. It's too much, way too much.

I forced myself to stay off the internet- twitter, facebook, and even blogger. I forced myself to not be constantly engaged with my phone. Instead of being bogged down with social marketing and overloaded with constant contact I spent time with myself and with my thoughts.

I'm not sure a week was long enough- how refreshing.

New Year. New Goals.

2010-01-04T17:42:00.006-06:00

The holiday season has finally drawn to an end. In fact, 2009 has drawn to an abrupt end. I can’t say I’m sad to see either of them go.
The holiday season is always kind of a bittersweet time for me- it reminds me of a time in my life where juggling holidays, multiple family Thanksgivings and Christmas’s, and having a family of my own was so close. It leaves me thankful for decisions I’ve made that have led me to where I am, but always leaves a hint of sourness that I still find myself alone dreaming and hoping about the future that awaits me.

Christmas is a time for love, happiness, and joyfulness- many single people don’t want to admit that it’s actually a time they struggle with loneliness, despite the abundance of friends and family around. Sigh. But, it happens. And, it kind of leaves you wishing and hoping for more, for different, for just something….

I was shocked to see how fast 2009 flew by, regardless of how slow the year seemed to have started. This holiday season I had plenty of time to reflect on the past year, the progress I made on the goals I’d set for myself, the setbacks I had encountered, and where I wanted to go in 2010. Last year I remarked how it was time to clean house and 2009 definitely proved to be a year of cleaning house, literally and metaphorically. I released parts of my past that I had been holding onto for way too long, I let go of unhealthy relationships, and embarked on a journey of learning about myself (and learning to love myself) that has proved to be a quiet the adventure.

I have really similar expectations for 2010.

I am eagerly anticipating the continued self exploration and change that awaits me as I turn pages and reveal new chapters in my life.

Here’s to 2010!!!

Baby It's Cold Outside

2009-12-28T22:45:00.007-06:00

Here in Texas we dress for the winter season rather than actually enjoy the season for 3-5 months out of the year. We’re generally lucky if we see one snowfall (and a rather puny snowfall at that) a year. This winter is already turning out to be a relatively unusual winter as I saw my first snowfall in late November, maybe early December.

For as long as I’ve been transplanted in Texas I have spent most Christmas’s dreaming of White Christmas’s, this year was no different. On the Eve of Christmas Eve if was 67 degrees with a light breeze. I spent most of the day in a three quarter sleeved shirt. As the night drew on the air began getting crisp and the weather reports began promising snow. I remember my Mom and I chuckling to ourselves about the “winter blizzard” the weather man had promised. I laughed and joked about failing to bring my snow shoes home and how I’d probably regret it in the morning. Well, when I woke on Christmas Eve- I ate those words, the ground was covered with a thick layer of snow with more still falling. How beautiful it looked.

My mom and I, being true Northerners, were eager to put on our warm clothes, boots, and head out to run a few errands and take pictures of the scenery. Little did we know as we set out that morning that things would get as treacherous as they did. Where I was in Northern Texas ended up receiving 7.8 inches of snowfall on Christmas Eve- It’s what Texans call a blizzard. To their defense though, there were wind gust between 10 and 15 miles per hour and it was difficult to tell what was new snow and what was simply snow drift. I spent a good majority the afternoon Christmas Eve shoveling people’s cars out of ice and snow. I’d gotten all fancied up in the morning to run errands but to go shovel people out of the ice and snow I threw on any and every thermal, sweater, jacket, scarf, hat, and gloves I could find. My outfit was a sight to see- but I didn’t care, I was warm.

Many holiday travelers got stranded on local highways for over 24 hours. By late Christmas Eve and early Christmas Day the National Guard had been called in to do flyovers to assist in rescue efforts for people who had been stranded. Many people were forced to leave their cars on the sides of highways, in parking lots, and sometimes even in the middle of roads because the conditions were so bad. Roads in Oklahoma and in parts of Northern Texas remained closed through Christmas day and on into the following days. By Sunday it seemed that major highways had been plowed and were ready to open for travel, however, it was now an issue of moving cars that had been stranded.

As I made my departure back for my home I still saw cars stranded on the highway, snowmen that had been built while people were stuck for 24 plus hours waiting for conditions to clear enough, and snow and ice still making some driving lanes unusable.

What a crazy adventure this Christmas turned out to be. I sure got my White Christmas this year and spent it snowed in for about 2 days with family and friends. We watched movies, made Christmas candies (a tradition in my home), baked, and did our best to stay out of each other’s way. We made time to make memories and to laugh as often as we could.

Dear Santa.....

2009-12-17T18:18:00.004-06:00

This is my wish this year - Simplicity.

Life for me is about love- why live a life without it? Whether that be job, friends, relationships in general, hobbies, etc. I'd like to think that life and love can be synonymous. I don't want to live just to live- I want to live to love and enjoy.

I bet I can anticipate what most people are thinking- life is messy and complicated and nothing about it is simple. But, truthfully I believe the foundation of people and decisions are actually really simple. I'm fairly certain, that at the core, people aren't near as mysterious as they portray themselves to be.

A person does something because they want to.
A person is your friend because they enjoy you.
A person is not your friend because they don't like something about you.
A person eats because they are hungry.
A person goes to sleep because they are tired.
A person involves themselves in relationships because they don't want to be lonely.

The mysterious game, I'm convinced is a front. So, I'm sticking to my request.

Simplicity- in all aspects of life and yes- that means love. Because with simplicity comes the genuine core of people and that is what I'm truly interested in.

Last Straws

2009-12-13T00:02:00.003-06:00

The past couple of weeks have been completely and utterly frustrating. Not bits and pieces, but a large portion of my days just didn't seem like they would ever end.

I've always joked with my friends about how I'm not a very patient person in most aspects of my life. For the last couple of weeks it's definitely seemed as if the lesson I'm supposed to be learning is just what I tend to be lacking. Regardless of the fact I'm not patient- I am persistent. Many would think those would go hand-in-hand, however, the amount my anger level increases when I become impatient and yet still find myself trying is an indicator one can exist without the other- in my opinion. I have fought through the nasty of the last couple of weeks as resiliently as I could, hoping my prayers would be answered- but I find my patience just about gone and my body becoming physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausted.

Thankfulness

2009-11-26T22:42:00.001-06:00

“Silent gratitude isn’t much use to anyone.” – G.B. Stern

I’m a few days late but as they say “better late than never”. The past year has been quiet the journey- I am realizing just how much I have to be thankful for. So, in the Spirit of Thanksgiving I thought I’d take some time to reflect on those things.

A few things I am thankful for:

- Rich family relationships: even though my family doesn’t always see eye-to-eye and we don’t always necessarily understand each other, we are definitely taking strides to do both of those things. I am thankful for fresh starts, new perspectives, and healing broken pasts.

- True friends: the ones who know me and know what I need sometimes without me even saying anything at all. Everyone always says you realize who your true friends are when you are in need. Recently, I realized just how true that is. I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to reconnect with some really fantastic people. I’ve also had the opportunity to meet new people. Each of them have helped me in one way or another- stepping out of my comfort zone, learning lessons of forgiveness and patience, recognizing truth and genuineness when it’s staring me in the face, and learning to trust in what isn’t seen. I couldn’t imagine my life without these people and the rich blessings they have each given me.

- Employment: I work a lot but it’s because I can see a difference in what I do and that makes it worth getting up every day and going to work. I have a job that provides stability and that says a lot in today’s economy.

- The past: it’s a reminder of where I’ve been and where I don’t want to be again. It helps encourage me to continue moving forward on this path of self exploration and change.

- The here and now: letting go of the past and learning to take one day at a time making the most of it and the people in it. I am eternally thankful for the clarity the past has brought me. I am also very thankful for the understanding of myself I have gotten in the past year.

- The future: the untainted and undisturbed life I don’t yet know but excitingly and expectantly strive for great things.

Here's to not letting a day go by without gratitude. Happy Thanksgiving!

Running out of Gas

2009-11-23T15:53:00.003-06:00

Literally.

About a week or so ago my car ran out of gas. This seems largely impossible considering all of the technology cars have now that beep at you; talk at you; flash at you; etc reminding you to fuel up. Sure, I saw and heard the indicators but due to my perception of time constraints and cold rainy weather, filling up was the last item on my priority list. I knowingly made the choice to pass up countless gas stations thinking I can make it, tomorrow will be better. It wasn’t but a block, maybe two, after the last gas station I’d passed up that my car just puttered to an abrupt halt. Seriously, how embarrassing. Who knowingly lets their car run out of gas?! All I could sit and do was laugh at myself.

Metaphorically.

Life works just like a car- it has to be refueled every so often to continue running.

I can feel myself sometimes running out of gas. I work too much and too hard. I strive too hard for things in my life that just aren’t meant to be. I get myself worked up over silly things. All of these things drain me and sometimes I’m the last person to take needed time to rest, refuel, and spend time with people who encourage and inspire me. It’s terribly easy to ignore the warning signs of life demanding you to stop and refuel and much easier to make excuses to not tend to your starving self. It’s frustrating- I hate this cycle.

I think this year, I will commit to myself to make more time for me- to refuel, to be re-encouraged and re-inspired. Since writing is a really large part of my life and is a fantastic outlet for me I think this will be my first goal- to spend more time writing. I know a lot of people commit to write every single day for a year; while this is a lofty goal, I feel that for me it’s rather unattainable. Not to mention, it sounds difficult to be that creative every single day. My life just isn’t that entertaining, at least in my opinion. I think I can at least start with committing to try and write at minimum 3 times a week, and then work up to daily. Cough.

I will also commit to spending more time reconnecting with friends and family. I spent a lot of time this year reconnecting with a few friends and with my family and I’ve really benefited from each and every one of them and the time spent together.

I know it’s a bit early for New Years resolutions and all- but who really keeps all of their resolutions anyhow. I’ll be coming out with my New Years resolution list sometime around January. But, why not get a start now? It’s never too early to implement change in your life, right?! Especially change that encourages and inspires.

I’m excited to see where these commitments take me in the coming year.

Here’s to never running out of gas again- metaphorically or literally.

To Write love on Her Arms

2009-11-13T15:20:00.007-06:00

To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA) is a not for profit organization that helps teens, or anyone, who struggles with depression, suicide, or self hurting. This organization helps individuals find places of refuge and assistance. They exist to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest into treatment and recovery. Their vision is really simple- we were all made to love and be loved, to know and be known, and to live out the important story of life because it’s part of a much bigger story.

I will share part of my story-

I had some really dark days in junior high, high school, and some that even followed me into college. At the time, these dark days were really overwhelming and living up to the demands of school, friends, society, and family was seemingly oppressive. There were days finding myself and listening to the still small voice inside in the midst of the clamoring noise of the world was- well, beyond difficult. I struggled to voice my problems, I struggled to be heard, I just struggled. For years, the way out of my problems was cutting. This was a secret and very silent struggle (until college roommates came along). As unhealthy as I see it now- then it was a release. I can’t explain all the feelings and emotions that were wrapped up in those parts of my life but now I see the scars as a painful reminder of those very dark days and years but also as a hopeful reminder of what the future holds. I am very thankful for the people who intervened in my life and offered me hope, love, acceptance, and understanding. I am happy to say that it’s been years since I’ve even considered cutting as an option to deal with the overwhelming demands of the world and have made leaps and bounds to involve people in my life who surround themselves with the same beliefs I do- the foundations starting with love and non judgmental acceptance.

We live in a broken, marred, and difficult world. We live in a world full of ridicule and hatred, of loss and tragedy, of violence and oppression. But, I am here to say we live in a world of diversity, of mystery, of beauty, of exploration, and of hope and love. Rescue and freedom are possible- there is a God who cares and is still in the business of redemption.

This organization is the heart of all of these things- they believe people need other people to survive. I believe this too, we were never meant to do life alone. Their vision is that community and hope will replace silence and secrecy. Their vision is to reduce the suicide rate in America. Their vision is that we could all learn what it means to “love”. Their vision is to better endings, restoration of broken families and broken relationships, of future.

Their vision is my vision. I encourage you to make it yours.

Crazy, Hazy, and Pink

2009-10-19T17:10:00.007-05:00

Tribute to National Breast Cancer Awareness Month

October is many things to many people- to me it’s the month of pink. As many know, fighting for a cure for breast cancer is a cause very close to my heart. October is the month where I lay aside differences, perceptions, and judgments to join countless others to fight for a cure. I honor and respect those individuals who have had personal struggles with this disease. I celebrate the survivors. I fight for those whose lives were taken.

In years past I don’t think I’ve ever really recalled or noted just how much pink was everywhere during National Breast Cancer Awareness Month (NBCAM). In fact, I don’t think I knew it was NBCAM until about three years ago. This year I seem to be much more aware of the awareness.

Just about anywhere during NBCAM people can find numerous products with pink ribbons signifying their support of the Susan G. Komen Foundation and pledging to fight for a cure. Store aisle are swarming with pink food and pink products many bearing the well recognized pink ribbon. In fact, even many NFL players are wearing pink cleats, sweatbands, gloves, and other sports equipment to show their support this October.

I’ve yet to really decide how I feel about the (over) commercialization of NBCAM. To so many, breast cancer last outside the calendar days of October. It’s an epic life event that’s impact never really goes away. My confliction lies in the fact that I’m sure the commercialization (for at least a majority) raises vital funds for research, mammograms, and treatment that couldn’t be received through direct donation from “normal” citizens. There is no doubt these funds are definitely important.

BUT…

Consumers are lead to believe they are supporting a really important cause by purchasing these pink ribbon products. They stock up on cleaners, chocolates, clogs, knives, auto parts, office supplies, clothing, and countless other items they may have never intended to buy because of the promise for a cure. Some companies put pink insignia on their products and yet there isn’t any fundraising or green going to fight breast cancer or any cause other than enlarging company profits.

In the month of crazy, hazy, and pink overload consumers are truly left to read the labels and decipher which products really are joining the fight. Here are some tips to help sort through the crazy pink haze of pink product buying-

1) If no specific information regarding how much the company is donating or where the money is going- it’s a good bet that the money isn’t going anywhere other than the company profit margin.

2) How much money from the purchase is going to be donated? Is this amount enough? Is it too little? Would donating to the organization of your choice be a better option?

3) Is there a capped amount the company is willing to donate? (I.e. once the company reaches the capped amount based on sales it doesn’t matter how much sales revenue is generated past that capped amount)

4) What organization is the money going to? What types of programs does this organization support (research, treatment, etc)

5) How are the funds being raised? Is your purchase enough? Will you have to follow-up with additional requirements and steps to make sure the money goes where it is said to go?

I believe donating to a cause is important- truthfully, I think giving back to society is important, regardless of how it’s done. When in doubt, I recommend donating directly to the organization of your choice. This way, ample opportunity is provided to research and ensure funds are being used for the things one is most passionate about. Whether that is vital research to determine the causes of breast cancer, other important research topics or treatment for under privilege women across America.

For me, the pink crazy haze of October is welcomed as a reminder to continue fighting for a cure.

“I will not rest until the race is won- until a cure is found.”

Some information used from:

Daily Finance
The Susan G. Komen Foundation
Think Before you Pink

Life Moments

2009-10-06T05:37:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you have those moments that rock you to your core- I’ve had a few of these recently. They leave you relatively speechless, sometimes confused, and wondering where the hell to go.

I have long believed that second chances rarely matter because people never change; I also believe giving a failed opportunity in life a second chance will not prove to have a different outcome a second time. Maybe I chalk it up to fate. Maybe I’m just a pessimist. Maybe I like to take the most efficient route and trying something over and over just seems like a waste of time. Then again maybe some call that laziness- those people probably says persistence pays off (eventually).

Regardless, I’ve come to learn that people CAN change ONLY when something drives them to that point. That driving force is usually some catastrophic event…one of those events that rock you to the core, causes one to stand up and recognize a different meaning to life. Enter me.

I’ve talked about “Days that Change Your Life” and these are definitely events that rocked me to my core, moments that left me undeniably different. I can think of another handful of situations and people that have left their life changing mark on my life. At some point, I’ll get around to vocalizing the lasting effects each of these life moments has had on me. For this present moment in time, though, I’m just identifying the struggle it’s self.

For the most part I remain relatively silent about changes in my life and the struggle I endure to get through to the glorious light at the end. Sometimes I think I have to for my own protection and sanity. Sometimes the silence is merely due to the lack of logical understanding for human beings other than me. It’s an internal struggle sometimes between head and heart and sometimes just an internal struggle of sheer will power and determination. One thing I’ve learned about me, though, is once my mind’s been made up there is no going back. I’ll charge forward, full force, full heart, soul, mind, body, with every single ounce of passion I can squeeze from the depths of my being…..

Back at the start of this year I established some goals, some of them definitely with the potential to be life changing. I was ready for there to be a new me. I began forging new friendships, working on creating an adequate work/life balance, working towards letting go of the past, and most importantly defining myself. This is where it gets hard- vocalizing.

I have had the pleasure of being able to reconnect with a few college friends and to really begin making some new friends (which is significantly harder in the working world than in my playful days of college). I don’t think I had the expectation at the start of this adventure that defining myself would go hand-in-hand with making friends or that many of these goals would align and intertwine so perfectly, but they have, A LOT. I will tell you I’ve struggled with a few of my “friends” to make the friendships work- in the end only to realize they were never the person they initially portrayed themselves to be. On many occasions, I’ve felt betrayed, disappointed, disgusted, and been left to defend myself to mutual friends and to countless others that should have never been made privy to any situation or decisions I made regarding my personal relationships. Dealing with these situations forced me to define what my expectations were for my friends- (at the foundation) trustworthiness and loyalty. And in defining what expectations I had for my friends it made it relatively easy for me to decide what I was willing to give my friends in return- trust, loyalty, non-judgmental acceptance with an appropriate level of flexibility and forgiveness but not giving up self respect.

As I’ve spent a large majority of the last couple of weeks defending myself, my integrity, my work ethic, and my character, it got me to thinking about all of these goals I’d set for myself. What kind of progress was I making? Is my change evident- to me, to others? As I revisited each one, thought about the intent behind each one- I realized without even noticing slowly over the course of this year I’ve made some outstanding progress toward a new me. It wasn’t effortless and large portions of this year my heart and soul has felt at significant unrest. But I’m still surprisingly content knowing that I’m finding myself and hard work pays off. Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.

There’s a new E in town. People had better start getting used to it. Grin.

Days That Change Your Life- Part 2

2009-09-23T06:42:00.009-05:00

When I was 15 I learned a really valuable lesson about gossip. I had a group of girl friends who went to the same church but different schools. Some of us spent more time together than others but we tried to get together as often as possible to hang out. I remember one friday (maybe saturday) night all but one of the group went to see a movie. As we were waiting for the movie to begin the girls sat there talking about the one girl who wasn't there. I was amazed, but I'm sure that didn't stop me from joining in on the conversation. At the time, it seemed like the "popular" thing to do.

Wednesday came and the girl who had missed out was inquisitive about the events of the weekend. As she and I began talking it was as if someting had taken over my body and I felt it was my God appointed duty to tell her every last detail about the weekend, including the part where everyone was talking about her. Of course being I'm detail oriented I'm sure I left nothing out. At some point in our conversation, she and I made it into her car. As she tearfully began driving us around I continued to spew superfluous word vomit from my mouth. After some time, our conversation was ended abruptly when she ran a stop sign and later we realized we'd been hit by a drunk driver.

That day as those series of events unfolded I had little idea the lessons and hardships that lay ahead of me. I had friends that would want to confront me and talk through issues- rightfully so. I had Dr. appointments upon Dr. appointments that would follow me, well, for the rest of my life. Little did I know when I chose to not wear a seat belt that day because we'd just be driving around a neighborhood that would be how the story would end and little did I know I'd suffer a rather traumatic brain injury resulting in managable but life long effects. That day changed my life- for good and bad.

That life altering day I made a decision to be reckless with my actions and with my words. I disregarded consideration for her feelings and for the feelings of anyone else that might be involved. The truth is, I was quick to forget that words spoken about someone often stem from a much larger issue and that there are 3 sides to every story.

That day, I made a commitment to myself to do my best to never be reckless with my words and actions again. I haven't been perfect, by far. Maybe some days I've failed royally. Maybe some days I've failed worse than others and other days I've done far better than others. I'm human. But, I have taken some significant strides in learning to bite my tongue. Everyday is a new day and everyday I try harder to be better than the day before.

Recently, I have been on the backend of some rather silly gossip. I'm now the girl driving the car, although I'm much older. Being that I'm much older I have significantly less tolerance for this type of behavior. I digress. I must say what I'm hearing about myself is not only half true but it's half the story (if even half).

All of these things brought me back to that chilling day where I sat on the side of the road paralyzed by fear, disgusted with who I was, and vowing to be vastly different. I look back evaluating to see just how much I've changed and look forward welcoming continued life changes. It is a simple reminder to not judge a book simply by it's cover or even by the review of a critic- but to delve in with reckless abandon and find out for myself what lies between the marred covers.

I'm eternally thankful for days that change my life and for simple, still reminders of who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.

In Memory of Mr. Edward J. Lehman

2009-09-10T11:37:00.005-05:00

A few months ago I volunteered to participate in Project 2,996. This project, led by Dale C. Roe, honors the heroes who perished in the horrific attacks of September 11, 2001.

Today I remember and honor Mr. Edward J. Lehman.

Edward was born September 30, 1960 and passed away September 11, 2001. He leaves a wife Johanne, a son Kenneth, a daughter Barbara, and his first grand daughter Giavanna. He leaves us all with his story.

Edward was the Assistant Director in Risk Management at Aon Corporation and was an avid runner. To many of his family and friends he was known as the “Running Man”. His wife was to thank for introducing him to his hobby- she was a sprinter in high school and had decided she wanted to get back into running. He was game to try it with her- she didn’t stick with it but he took it and ran with it. Literally. He had the paraphernalia, the magazines, and the books. He belonged to the running clubs and ran in any and every benefit he possibly could. If it dealt with running it was a good bet Edward would be there and be involved- some way, somehow.

As I sit and write this tribute and read countless others I find myself emotional. The people who died during those attacks paid the ultimate price for my freedom and for the joys of life I take for granted every day- so today I tearfully recognize and say a heartfelt thank you to them and their families.

September 11, 2009 marks the 8 year anniversary of day that many Americans and people across this world will never forget. That day will forever be marked as a day of great tragedy, loss, and sorrow. America will forever be a changed Nation- sadder yet stronger, less innocent and more courageous, and definitely more appreciative of life.

Edward, today and everyday may your memory live on in the hearts of Americans across the world. Know that as I run today and in many days to come- you will be my running partner. :)

We will never forget.

Resources:

NY Times
CNN.com

Peering through the peep-hole of life

2009-09-03T22:14:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite, more expensive, hobbies is traveling. I wake up every day wishing I had arrived at some more distant point in my life where I had the capability to travel the world. But, because I’m unable at this point in time to do that I’ve had to learn to satiate my restlessness through more creative means. I’ve learned it isn’t so much about the exotic places, the delectable food, or the beautiful scenery although all of these things have their individual part (some of them larger than others) in creating the adventure of a lifetime. But, one of my favorite things about traveling is the people you’ll meet; even if you meet them briefly.

One thing I have come to absolutely love is to watch airplanes take off and land. Since I can’t travel to all the exotic places I dream about a time in my life when I can. As I sit and watch the planes take off and I peer through the peep hole of the passengers lives I create stories about where they are going or where they have been. The stories they could tell of people they have met who have touched their lives and vice versa. I find the rhythmic coming and going of the planes almost hypnotizing. Such a languid activity- yet it frees my mind to really think, ponder, and to just be.

As I sat watching the planes the other day- it occurred to me that I spend more time peering through the peep hole of people’s life than really witnessing people’s lives and sometimes only allow a peep hole size view into my life. When you’re looking from the inside out of the peep hole everything is clear- but when you only allow a peep hole size view into someone’s life it’s blurry at best. In this day-and-age trust seems to be a large factor that’s missing from relationships so people tend to only give what is minimally expected. For me, I’m an all or nothing kind of girl and middle ground is scary, unnatural and a relatively difficult. I don’t want to be in relationships (this means romantic, friendships, everything) where I have to limit the view of my life to simply a peep hole size view, where I can’t trust the other person to accept me for everything that I am and view me exactly the same as they’d view me if they were looking at me through the peep hole I’ve created for them. The safety of meeting people when you travel is you can be you- and that makes you exotic and amazing and wonderful and refreshing. The added benefit, you may never see that person again or you may have made a lifelong friend. BUT- you got to be you, freely, openly, unashamed, unafraid. Sigh.

Maybe what I’m getting at here is that while I love traveling and watching airplanes- I also really love the idea of not having to parade around in front of the little peep hole of life. I want to be me- ALL OF ME- freely, openly, without shame, and unafraid. And, I want the same freedom for those I involve in my life.

New Theories for a New Age

2009-08-17T13:33:00.004-05:00

Happy Birthday to E!!!!!!

Yesterday was my birthday. Since not many people actually party on Sunday I opted to celebrate on Saturday. In years past I have put together big sha-bangs, celebrated my birthday for a week (and generally regretted celebrating for a week), and made sure that everyone knew it was my birthday. I held the theory that if I had an overly spectacular birthday then it was sure to guarantee that the year (age wise) would be an overly phenomenal year. The past three years this theory has proved to be a bit of a dud. Don’t get me wrong there have been some phenomenal moments- moments I’d not change for the world- during those three years but looking back overall the years have just been...............blah.

This year I opted for a different approach. I put off planning anything until the latest possible moment and even asked my friends not to plan anything either. For the first time I approached it with no cares and no expectations. I didn’t worry about who told me happy birthday or who didn’t, I didn’t care about gifts, and I was even less worried about the number of people who were going to be able to show up to celebrate with me. The people who could make it and wanted to be there were the people that I wanted to celebrate with me. I laughed. I cried. I smiled. I enjoyed.

As I recounted the birthday weekend with a new, but fantastic, friend this morning I realized that for one of the first times in my life I can say I’m truly content. Recently, I embarked on a journey to make some life changes. The past month (or two) has been about finding closure and finally putting to rest some parts of the past that have had a hard time going to sleep. With this closure has come the opportunity to make some additions to my life- new friends, new experiences, new outlooks, and most importantly new opportunities for growth.

It got me to thinking: I’ve always been happy- but being content is far different than being happy. Happiness is fleeting- it comes and goes. Sometimes, most times, it’s dependent on external factors: fun, moments, actions, and material things. Contentment is deep-rooted and inexhaustible. It’s about going with the flow, enjoying the satisfaction of work and service, and appreciating the small things. I’m at a place in life where everything just is- it works, it flows, it is growing, evolving and I’m content. Truly, pleasantly content.

This year was, hands down, one of the best birthdays I’ve seen in a long time. Possibly, almost definitely, the best one yet :)

Lip Service

2009-08-10T22:43:00.004-05:00

“A lot of what people say is merely lip service- said because that is what they think someone wants to hear. Beckham, Emily R. (September, 2008)”

It isn’t everyday that we get to quote ourselves. In this instance, I didn’t think I had said anything that really stood out, but then something led me to start reconsidering. I’ve always told myself and told other people- I mean what I say and I say what I mean. Then, after a night of heated (but jovial) debate, I started thinking is this really true?

How many times have I fallen victim to the casual “Hey, I need to let you go, I’ll call you back” ritualistic ending to a phone conversation or the “Hey, we should do this again soon” ending to a great night out with a long lost friend. Or the worst, which I encountered for the first time a couple weeks ago, the date who schedules pick up and then fails to appear at all. Not only have I said some of these things (with the exception of standing someone up on a date), I’ve believed them. It’s easy to do- simply put, we’re all looking for something to fill the space, something to connect the distance. In actuality though, our intentions fall short of the lip service we offer. The question is, when as adults do we stop trying to connect the distance with mere lip service and start actually following through?

Call me crazy, but I really believe that people- adults especially- should say what they mean and mean what they say. Yes, even something as simple as a call back or a text message to say “I’m not coming”. I think as society we’ve allowed ourselves to get incredibly complacent and lackadaisical. It has become the norm and widely accepted to say one thing and do another thing. To act first- think later. Never to acknowledge that actions have consequences. Sometimes those consequences are simply causing people to doubt you, to doubt the validity of your words and your actions (which in my mind is bad enough).

In this world sometimes all we have to hold on to is someone’s word. Sometimes, all I have as a person is my integrity. So, I dare to ask this question, when as a society did we stop doing what we said we’d do? Whatever happened to accountability and follow through?

Come Here and Let me Learn You a Secret

2009-07-23T01:00:00.005-05:00

“Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone.”

A simple childhood adage that at some point in a person’s life I’m sure they have said. Probably merely for the simple fact that they were left out on what they perceived to be something important- a secret. I can remember thinking as a child that secrets were exciting, thrilling, and adventurous. Like if I knew a secret, I HAD to be special and different and definitely important.

I can assure you as a five year old, or even a 12 year old, I didn’t understand the ramifications of a secret. You know the underlying factors of trust and being a confidant to someone. Then again, I can also assure you that with age and maturity the secrets have also grown in maturity. They no longer are about who likes who on the playground, or who saw who picking their nose at the lunch table (leaving everyone to giggle) but they are heavier, more emotional, sometimes leaving lasting consequences and devastating effects (leaving painful scars).

I find myself largely disappointed in the amount of gossip, fakeness, and distrust I see all around me. Work. Friends. Acquaintances. In line at the grocery store. Listening to the radio. I’m incredibly saddened and disheartened at the lack of trust in humanity itself.

As a child the last thing I was ever going to do was to share the precious secret I’d been told. As an adult, I still operate on that same line of thought. I no longer look at secrets as exciting, thrilling, and adventurous but more so as I’m a trusted confidant and valuable friend- this is something to be proud of. I won’t claim to have a perfect track record; we all make mistakes and I have done my very best to apologize and make amends where possible and have committed to keeping secrets just that- secret.

I have longed believed that hearts are created as safes for keeping secrets. That as people we are to build relationships and to give of ourselves- openly and freely. I believe that at the end of our lives our hearts should look more like a collage of other individual’s hearts that have given pieces of themselves and where we might be missing a few pieces for having given and not received back. Not every piece will fit perfectly- some might though. Some pieces will be jaded, some will be bulging over the hole they are trying to fill, and others won’t exactly fill the hole. Our hearts are just that a safe- filled with secrets, with memories, with emotions and feelings of us and others. I feel that a large number of people today have lost sight of the heart. When did people stop being real? When did secrets stop being secret?

Three Simple Words

2009-07-15T22:32:00.003-05:00

I remember when I was a young girl I had a best friend named Lauren. She and I were next door neighbors and I grew up thinking that she and I would be friends forever. I suppose as children its easy to dream and reality is merely a mythical object. There is one day in Lauren's and my friendship that stands out very clear to me- it's the day her daddy bought her a life size pink doll house for her backyard. I recall excitement building up as I ran next door to ask if she and I could play in her new house. The thought of having to wait was practically unbearable. The news I received as she answered the door was a lot like stubbing a toe on the edge of the couch in the dark of night. The pain last for only a minute or two but one tends to hop around like a blooming idiot rubbing the toe for minutes upon minutes always to recall when the couch is passed just how bad it hurt. This might seem largely dramatic now, but, as a five year old being told by her best friend that she didn't want to share her new extravagent toy, it was just horrific. I probably thought life was ending as I knew it. I can guarantee you I acted as if it were. I remember for weeks Lauren and I didn't play together and definitely didn't even muster a wave to each other in passing because I was still rubbing my no longer throbbing toe.

Fast forward 20 years.

I can recall plenty of times I've been hurt and it didn't feel as small as a toe stub, in fact, if I had a choice I'd probably pick the toe stub. One thing I've learned is that life is messy- and when life is messy relationships (of all kinds) are equally as messy. I have had best friend break ups, boyfriend break ups, and simply things that just break. Sometimes things break because of selfishness and jealousy, as in the case of Lauren and me. And sometimes things break because of dishonesty, a breaking of trust, or simply growing apart. All in all, the one thing that has been the hardest for me to implement in my life are three simple words.

With Lauren, I learned a valuable lesson- forgiveness. Looking back, it seems really silly to be hurt over a dollhouse- but the lesson still holds valuable. All too often in life it's easy to remember the hurt, inadvertently holding onto the past. The past is like an anchor and it will hold one down as long as one will cling to it. I have learned the best way for me to let go of the past is to truly forgive the broken places in my life and in my heart.

Tonight, I attempted to face someone who caused me a million toe stubs to simply tell them three simple words: I forgive you. I didn't want conversation or small talk- I simply wanted the opportunity to let go, for good. Regardless that I was not afforded the opportunity to tell them face to face- taking the step has provided an overwhelming sense of calm and peace. I am now ready to face everything the future holds for me.

Message In A Bottle

2009-07-01T08:52:00.006-05:00

Everyday I get an updated writing prompt. Most of the time I'm not overly impressed with the prompts I'm provided and never actually take the time to write something. I've found that life it's self is prompt enough for me most times. Although, when I'm in a creative lull (as I have been lately) the writing prompt comes in handy.

As the title of this entry might suggest the prompt was to write a letter you'd like to be put in a bottle and thrown into the ocean.

My Message In a Bottle

To You Who I Call October:

If you find this, I want you to know two things-

1) I am hopelessly lost "at sea".

The time we spent together was brief, but know that there is not a moment in time where you don't continually cross my mind.

2) Nothing happens by chance.

Me finding this bottle, writing this note, and it making its way to you. Here we are, you and me, worlds apart with only a hope for eternity.

My Love and Thoughts be yours.

Life or Death Happiness

2009-06-22T18:09:00.005-05:00

Wow….just wow. I’m not really even sure where to begin, there’s so much going on in my head it’s hard to make any one thought complete or even relatively make sense. This weekend has been nothing short of a whirlwind...

It’s Father’s Day weekend- I’ll start (and probably finish) here, with my Dad. You know you have those people in your life that you’re so much like it’s hard to be friends? The older I get the more I’m beginning to realize that this is probably the situation between my Father and me. As I have continued to grow I am beginning to realize I’m more of a home body than my actions would have portrayed in college. Just like my father, I’m content with a close friend and a movie. I’m content to sometimes just blend into the background of a room of people. I keep personal things very close to me. I find it difficult to express my emotions and engage in conversations that require me to really "put myself out there". And like my dad, I’m honest, hardworking, and loyal to a fault (some good qualities for the taking).

One year ago my dad began an incredibly life changing journey. Just shy of one year ago my father underwent gastric bypass surgery. He had reached an astonishing weight of 407 pounds, his heart was in poor condition, his diabetes was out of control, and he had a number of other medical problems. There was no option- it was seriously life or death. He choose for himself life and with that change. I’m not sure any of us in my family had any idea how it would be a life changing journey for all of us as well.

MY MOM AND DAD SOMETIME BEFORE HIS SURGERY

Two months prior to the surgery the doctors placed him on a very rigorous diet, 2 protein shakes a day and a salad with grilled chicken for lunch. Many people would be unable to stick to this diet- however, my father did. His dedication to change was nothing short of amazing. Sometime in August of 2008 my Father had his surgery. He stands today at a lean 230 pounds. That’s a weight loss of roughly 170 pounds if you don’t want to do the math.

MY SISTER AND DAD ALMOST ONE YEAR AFTER HIS SURGERY

For Father’s Day I called and asked my dad on a date. We went to dinner and a movie. Our dinner topic was the recent life journey he'd embarked on. For one of the first times I can remember my Father and I talked- openly and freely about life, its heartaches, its insecurities, and US. The man sitting across from me at dinner- is not the same man who sat across from me one year ago. He made a good point- so often as people we lie to ourselves, we convince ourselves that we don’t need to change and we become complacent. For him, that meant he had almost eaten himself to death, literally. For others, it could be a myriad of other things. It’s really hard to stand up and look at yourself in the proverbial mirror of life and be brutally honest. But, eventually a day will come when you will be unable to walk away and continue lying to yourself. He left with this- don’t ever let your happiness become a life or death issue.

Dinner with Dad- $12.84 (the benefit of eating with someone whose stomach is the size of a shot glass. They’re a cheap date.)
Movie in 3D with Dad- $22.00
Life Bonding Moments with Dad- unbelievably priceless.

To all you Father’s- and to mine: thank you for the priceless moments you have given your little girls (and boys) throughout the years. Thank you for being the silent strength and determination we need to witness. Thank you for being the simple reminder we need to keep us on track. Thank you for being Dad.

Late Night Pensive Pondering

2009-06-03T21:21:00.008-05:00

Today I spent the day with my Mom and Dad. It's rare that I take a day of vacation, and even rarer that my parents come down to my neck of the woods. We didn't do anything extravagant or spectacular, we simply spent time together- which is probably spectacular in itself considering this has been somewhat difficult in years past. Things are changing, and we as people are changing which means, thankfully, our relationships are evolving.

I spent a considerable amount of time discussing today the paths of life that I chose to walk. Recently, not just with my parents, this has seemed to be a theme in my life. College was a big discussion, I finished my MBA a year ago, and I wonder how much about my life would be different had I picked a different school, had I taken the time in high school to really decide on a major and not flounder around my first two years, had I not transfered schools after my sophomore year, and what if I'd gone to a public University instead of a private one. At the moment I made all these decisions they seemed like good decisions- but looking back I really question my intentions and thought process.

I wonder not just how my life would be different but how would I be different? Would I have suffered less heart ache? More heart ache? The level of heartache could possibly change the fact that I'm overly selective of who I involve in my life, I'm quick to cut ties when something has gone amiss, and I can be rather closed off to expressing feelings. Would I still fear letting people in only to be rejected when they see me for everything I am, the good and the ugly? Would I be more/less outgoing, accepting, or a free spirit? I could carry on with the questions.

I'm becoming more increasingly aware that hindsight is truly 20/20 and looking forward is often blurred at best. Please, do not misunderstand me, I think at the time and with the resources I was given I made the best decisions I possibly could and I hold no regrets. Each and every decision led me to and through a different opportunity for growth and I stand here today looking back over years of decisions knowing full well that I am stronger, smarter, successful, more capable, and more uniquely me because of those decisions.

What tomorrow brings, only time will tell. Who I will be tomorrow, is for me to decide.

What Makes Me Happy?

2009-05-27T06:33:00.005-05:00

There’s a game of tag going on and apparently I’m IT- thank you Pinkerbell. As I am informed there isn't any running required, just a listing of six things which make me happy. Note: these are not in any priority ordering.

Let's get some of the nitty gritty dirty work out of the way before I share the good stuff. Instructions: Should you be tagged, write a post on your own blog about six (un)/important things which make you happy. Somewhere in your post link to the person who tagged you and tag six (bloggers) people of your own. In some way, (email or comment) let them know that you've tagged them. It's simple. Should you care not to participate, or don't have time, then just add a comment to mine post. I won't mind if you don't link back to me, this is all for fun and to link to some new and interesting blogs, so don't worry about it if you are not able to carry it on. :)

As I previously said I was tagged by Pinkerbell at Ripples in a Small Pond.

Those I'm choosing to tag:

Heather at A Mom Uncommon
Shiela at Soul of a Dreamer
C at One Smarmy Mama
Lyn at Lyn's Lifepixels
Miss Chevious at Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Coffee
Tessa at An Aerial Armadillo

As for the things that make me happy:

1. The Ocean

Words cannot begin to describe the overwhelming sense of peace and often times creativity that begins to stir in me the moment my feet touch the warm sand. The repetitious sound of the crashing waves languidly lulls me to a peaceful trance as I stare into the vastness contemplating life's mysteries, love, and my future.

2. Mani's and Pedi's

There are few things more heavenly in this world than getting a few girl friends together and enjoying a spa day (especially when the clamoring demands of life get so deafening). Mani's, pedi's, massages, wine, etc. Ahhhh- sigh.

3. Friends

Long conversations, laughing til your stomach hurts and even better til you cry, moments where you can sit on the couch and say nothing but everything all at the same time, knowing if you need something or nothing they are always there. Simply put, I like being involved in my friends lives. I enjoy early morning text messages (or text messages for that matter), phone conversations, blog comments, long dinners, over all spending time with them regardless of the activity. I like being there to provide a helping hand, a listening ear, a word of advice, and when necessary a shoulder to cry on. I like being important to them and them being important to me- they are the spice of my life. Each and every one of them are simply irreplaceable.

Beautiful Beka

Beka is the one who sometimes I think knows me better than I know myself. By the way I say something she knows what kind of day I'm having. She always has a gentle word of affirmation and speaks truthful advice.

Care Free and Giggly Kate

Kate is the friend that every one needs. She has a light hearted spirit. She loves with no boundaries and cares deeply for people. Her laugh is absolutely infectious and her smile will brighten just about anyone's day.

Down to Earth and Practical Amy

This is probably the worst picture to show the down to earth and practical side to Amy because she looks so vogue-esque; but it's one of my favorites. Amy is the person I can sit for hours with and talk about business, finances, life, love, and everything else that might seemingly bore other people. She is practical and helps keep my feet on the ground because let's all admit I can sometimes be kind of outlandish.

Honest to a Fault Sheila

This is one friend that you will always dish you the truth exactly how she thinks it- we call that Fat Foot Mouth (FFM!) I love her for it. Sometimes I need a good dose of honesty and reality to real me back in, to make me see the light- Sheila is that reality and honesty. She is rowdy, outspoken, and truly fantastic in many many ways. A bit of fresh air if you will.

Understanding Heather

There were so many other adjectives I wanted to put after understanding but I couldn't decide on one so I just left it at understanding. I think she just has a gift for it. Heather has been many many things in my life the few months I've known her but the one thing that resiliently stands out in my mind is understanding. We met through an unusual, difficult, and heartbreaking situation and through that she has provided me understanding, caring, and friendship when most other women would have turned their back.

4. Music

The piano has been one of my long standing stress reliefs. I can remember as a child and in my growing up years sitting at the ivory keys for hours upon hours just playing and singing- being in my own little world. Believe me, there are many days I wish I had a piano on my third floor apartment. Oh how I miss playing.

Since I don't have a piano to help with stress relief I have become some what of a music connoisseur. There are countless hours of listening pleasure that range from classical, to rap, to rock, to indie music on my iPod. This has become my temporary escape.

5. Extended/Quasi Family

The Allens

This is my family outside of my family- my home away from home. They have known me for as long as I can remember and have been a huge part of my life. Now they have two children and I am incredibly happy and proud that I can be part of their lives. Zechariah (3) and Jacob (15 months) are the bright spots and the end of some gloomy days. There is nothing more fantastic than walking into their house and being greeted by smiling faces, giggles, hugs, and cuddles. Olivia and Carl have been nothing short of amazing and accepting- they have provided a place to run to when my world seems to be crumbling, they have been there to help out in times of crisis, and they have been my strength when mine was all but fleeting.

6. Accessories

Purses, Shoes, Jewelry- you name it I love it. Pictured in this picture just so happens to be one of my favorite designers; Betsey Johnson. She's wild and crazy- definitely the way to make a statement.

Sigh- there they are, a few things that bring joy and happiness to my life. What a simple reminder of how blessed I am.

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun!"

2009-05-17T21:08:00.008-05:00

Today was a day that has been long awaited- a lazy Sunday spent lounging, visiting, laughing, and doing all things unproductive. This unproductivity led me to a little book store today. Upon walking into the store I was greeted with shelves and shelves of books (ceiling to floor) and the strong aroma of old books. As I walked the isles I couldn’t help but allow my fingers to trace the edges of the books, touch and feel the ridges of the books, and to occasionally even pull an interesting find. As I stood with a kindred spirit reading and giggling through pages of self help books, parenting books, and dating books I found a book that completely and utterly baffled me.

"THE RULES- time tested secrets for capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" Copyright 1995 Published for the first time 1997
1) Be a creature unlike any other
2) Don’t talk to a man First (and don’t ask him to dance)
3) Don’t stare at men or talk too much (I EPICLY FAIL HERE)
4) Don’t Meet him halfway or go Dutch on a Date
5) Don’t call him and rarely return his calls
6) Always end phone calls first
7) Don’t accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday
8) Fill up your time before the date
9) Remember how to act on Dates 1-3
(don’t think of him before he arrives, don’t have him come to your apartment meet him at the lobby, don’t talk about your day as if you’ve known each other forever, don’t be too serious/controlling/wifey, in no way talk about marriage, smile a lot, relax, laugh at his jokes, always be the first to end the date, etc)
10) Remember how to act on Dates 4- commitment time
(you can talk about feelings but don’t get too heavy or play therapist, be attentive, don’t under any circumstance mention marriage/children/future/wedding, keep personal details personal for the first few months)
11) Always end the date first
(first dates should last no longer than 5 hours)
12) Stop dating him if he doesn’t buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentine ’s Day. (I had a seriously hard time trying to stop laughing and there are a ton of thoughts running through my head that are, well, probably better left running in my head.)
13) Don’t see him more than once or twice a week
14) No More than casual kissing on the first date
15) Don’t rush into sex and other intimacy
16) Don’t tell him what to do
17) Let him take the lead
18) Don’t expect a man to change or try to change him
19) Don’t open up too fast
20) Be honest but mysterious
21) Accentuate the positive
22) Don’t live with a man (or leave your things in his apartment)
23) Don’t Date a Married Man (well, duh!)
24) Slowly involve him in your family
25) Practice, Practice, Practice (and I’m guessing by the tone of this book they don’t think they mean sex).
26) The rules still apply if you’re engaged or married
27) Don’t abandon the rules even if your friends and parents think you’ve lost all of your freaking marbles (I took the liberty to edit this rules wording a bit)
28) Be smart
29) Take care of yourself
30) Next! Rules for dealing with rejection
31) Don’t discuss the rules with your therapist
32) Don’t break the rules
33) Follow the rules and you’ll live happily ever after
34) Love only those who love you
35) Be easy to live with

I won’t stand here and pretend to be any kind of expert on love- God knows I’ve loved much and suffered some significant loss. As I flipped through the pages and read the 35 rules that awaited me at the end of the book it became apparent to me that relationships and love are less organic in this day and age. I realized how truly sad this is.

It’s no wonder with women being so focused on list, such as the aforementioned one, that having an organic and natural relationship (boy makes fun of girl, girl makes fun of boy, etc) is all but a fleeting thought. Everyone is so focused on living up to the proverbial gender role, perfect picture, and being able to check off a list of rules that have been created through the centuries that it’s impossible to be themselves. Don’t get me wrong, I feel there are some serious validity to some of the rules- specifically 1, 14, 17-20, clearly 23, and 34. However, it’s exhausting sometimes trying to remember all of the do’s and don’ts of dating that it’s possible to actually completely miss the enjoyment of it all. (i.e. do I call him? Do I not? Oh god, I called him wtf?! Is going to happen now I broke the rules)

When did being uniquely you turn into something so scary? When did love become just another check list of rules?

Footnote: The title of this entry is from a quote from Katherine Hepburn.

I have Everything to be Thankful For

2009-05-11T20:48:00.005-05:00

This weekend was Mother's Day weekend as you all know (i do an impecable job at stating the obvious). I had the opportunity to go home and for the first time in a while I'm actually able to say it wasn't many months between visits. The older I'm getting the more I'm beginning to realize home will always be home regardless of how old I am, how far away I am (physically and emotionally), and how much my parents and I might disagree.

This visit home I realized I have everything in the world to be thankful for. My parents and I don't always see eye to eye and sometimes that's hard and sometimes we all get a little frustrated with each other- I'm definitely chalking it up to growing pains. No, everything wasn't always perfect and to be honest it probably never will be; we're human and that makes us all uniquely flawed in our own ways. But, above all I love, respect, and cherish that I was raised with incredibly defined and strong morals that I am able to cling to as I have faced the world on my own. I was taught to think for myself regardless of what everyone else may or may not be doing and to not be influenced by the actions of the world around me.

This Mother's day I send a very special Thank you to my mom (and dad) for being so determined to raise me the way she did despite how much I might have (then and now) pushed, questioned, and resisted.

Am I Dreaming Away My Life?

2009-05-06T23:04:00.003-05:00

I had a really exciting offer come my way this evening (more on this in a moment) and it really started me thinking. I have this “To Do” list. It isn’t like a list of daily chores but more like a life long list of activities and dreams I would like to accomplish. This list is currently three typed pages long and has financial goals, career goals, physical goals, attitude goals, education goals, and much more. They range from serious to funny. Some I’ve been fortunate to achieve and others will take work.

Here’s a sampling of my life long To Do list:

-Learn to let people in
-Reflect on my greatest weakness and realize how it’s my greatest strength
-Tell someone my life story without sparing any detail
-Learn to play a new instrument
-Become a published author
-Own my own company
-Look into my children’s eyes, see myself, and smile (assuming I have children)
-Get out of debt (including student loans)
-Visit the 7 wonders of the world
-Go on a Safari
-Drive the Autobahn
-Inspire someone
-Own a vineyard
-Have a food fight

This brings me to my real point; I was presented with a fantastic (potential) once in a lifetime opportunity today. I guess all I’ll really share is it involves the beach, wine, and writing. For anyone who knows me the beach is my favorite place to be, wine is one of my beverages of choice, and well I just shared I want to be a published author.

We grow up waiting for the day we can enter the big world and start pursuing our childhood dreams. The truth is when we get into reality very few of us actually end up in our dream job. The demands of responsibility often prevent us from chasing those dreams and force us into settling for mediocre jobs that provide stability. Here I am with the opportunity of a lifetime to pursue a dream- and I wonder when did we as adults stop dreaming and chasing after those dreams and how will I ever begin to make the decision to give up stability and pursue a dream, live a dream, and experience the opportunity of a lifetime?

Some things are worth remembering...

2009-04-30T16:49:00.003-05:00

We never stop learning.

Honesty and truth are often painful but can bring closure, clarity, peace, and opportunity for growth.

Forgiveness is not easy.

Friendship is incredibly valuable and should be treated as the precious gem it is.

Long phone calls about nothing in particular with friends far away are the perfect ending to a long day.

Driving in total silence can be refreshing.

Family will always disappoint, therefore, accepting them for what they are and knowing you cannot change them but can change you and your future is power in itself.

Money is always the root of problems and will probably never go away. So, accept it for what it is.

It’s worth waiting to be with someone who adores, honors, and respects you.

It's never too late to try something new.

Some things take time- stop rushing, learn to be patient.

The world is my canvas and I’m painting a beautiful picture.

Crazy Busy-ness

2009-04-24T16:55:00.003-05:00

I realized that it's been almost an entire month since I've updated my blog. That's terrible. April has been a strangely and insanely busy month for me. I look forward to the rest and relaxation that May hopefully will bring.

I promise promise promise (to my faithful readers) that I will update soon if you can just hang tight and let me get past the next couple of days.

There's Always a Lighthouse

2009-04-02T12:03:00.004-05:00

This picture is taken at Kemah Island in August of 2008 just months before Hurricane Ike hit shores and demolished most everything in its path.

For years Kemah Island has been the place where I have run for solace, to find my peace, and to just “be”. It was the first place I ran to after I called off my wedding two years ago, it was the place I brought my friend when she was in the midst of a terrible divorce, and it has been the place to offer me a safe haven on numerous other occasions. The beach is the place that drives my peace, spurs my creativity, and soothes every essence of my being. Just beyond the lighthouse sits a number of perfect places to perch yourself, enjoy a cocktail, and take in the numerous sites, sounds, and smells of the expansive beach extending before you. Countless hours I’d just sit here.

This specific vacation I remember very vividly because it wasn’t like most times I had ran to Kemah Island- I was in the midst of a life change and approaching very exciting and new things in my life. I was expectantly hopeful for what the future had in store. Little did I know a big storm was on the horizon for my life.

Hurricane Ike came and destroyed most everything it touched- yet as you’ll see in the background the storm came and went and the Lighthouse still stood. Likewise, the storm in my life came and went and I am still standing. It takes some time for the waters to calm and things to come to a place where healing and rebuilding can take place.

These pictures represent one of my all time favorite places. It is a place that represents peace and serves as a constant reminder that regardless of the size of the storm there is really and truly nothing too big. And, regardless if I may have lost my way now through the crashing waves of the storm ultimately I will never forgot my way home because there is always a "Lighthouse" leading me towards peace after the storm has come and gone.

"Let the things you love be your escape"

2009-03-23T22:37:00.003-05:00

Wine. iPod. Box of Sweet Tarts. Cool spring breeze.

Maybe, just maybe I'm finally ready to sit down and write a new blog now that I have most of the right ingredients. I suppose the only thing missing is me sitting on a sandy beach taking in the sights, sounds, and smells. Sigh.

It seems as I have purused blog land that there have been many out there with the proverbial writer's block. Writing for me has always been my outlet (next to playing the piano for hours). I have boxes, I literally mean boxes, of journals in my outside storage from as far back as I can remember. And even though I blog in this online live journal, so to speak, I still keep a good old fashion journal next to my bed for my deepest thoughts. So writers block for me is rare.

But...

The past month the last thing I have wanted to do is face my thoughts. I have gone back and forth and back and forth again about giving any air time to the recent events and heart ache that has filled my life. I'm not entirely certain the one who caused all the heart ache doesn't still read this and part of me is too prideful to want to admit how bad they hurt me. Therefore, I have spent a large majority of the past month trying so very desperately to avoid reality.

Where does one begin piecing the broken pieces or their heart back together? Then out of now where it hit me- "let the things you love be your escape"- seems simple enough. I'm not gonna sit here and lie and tell you it was a flawless start. It kind of mimicked that of an old car that hadn't been started in a while.

I picked something really simple- my iPod. I had avoided it for days and probably weeks because "he" had given me the iPod itself as well as countless hours of listening pleasure and it was a constant reminder that everything had failed, that everything I had loved, cherished, and dreamed about had been nothing more than a lie. Shudder. Slowly I began marking songs for deletion and began creating my own "Mix-Tapes" for countless hours of MY listening pleasure. I simply refuse to give that up.

On to something a little more difficult- friends. I'm not even sure how to put into words how or why this one is difficult. I grew up in a home that was very disconnected when it came to difficult situations, therefore, the way I learned to deal with things was to pull away and become introspective. There have been days where I've struggled to understand why or how someone could do something as horrible as he did so explaining it to someone else is nearly impossible. There are other days where I just wish I could pick up and run away. All that aside, I decided to take this time to reconnect with old friends and I'll say it has been an adventure. I haven't laughed this much in months. Quiet frankly I'm glad there aren't pictures of half of it. I have also taken the opportunity to make new friends.

The past month has been nothing short of difficult but as i have began focusing on the things I love and the people I love, I've noticed the days don't seem as long and the nights don't seem as if I've got no where to hide from myself.

Here's to healing broken hearts...

A 3 Mile Run Through The Meadow

2009-03-17T06:53:00.000-05:00

My words have been fleeting recently. I'm not really sure if it's because I'm overpowered by thought and emotion or if I just don't know how to put into words everything I'm thinking and feeling these days. I have a few blog postings that are in draft mode and some day I hope to be able to finish and publish them. In the meantime however, I'm choosing to post a snippet of something I wrote from October 2008.

Almost two years ago my family and I received one of the biggest scares a woman can face- at 24 years old I had found a lump in my breast and the Doctor's were concerned about the prognosis. I am fortunate, unlike other woman, that mine turned out to be nothing more than a false alarm and a few remaining scars. From that day I have pledged to continue to fight for women across the world to find a cure for breast cancer. Here is my story from Race for the Cure October 2008:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I awoke at 5:30 A.M. to my phone ringing- it was my sister calling to be let in the gate of my still sleeping apartment complex. Oh how I wished I could still be sleeping- yet I knew I had a much larger and rather emotional task awaiting my attention. I had hoped that I’d be able to avoid this day- the day were I’d have to face my emotions, to face my own thoughts for three long miles.

As I dressed I tried to imagine how the day would unfold- yet I could not. Instead I choose to recount the difference of where my life was exactly one year ago. Tears began to cloud my vision as I knew that just one year ago everything had seemed so uncertain and so scary- remembering how overwhelming everything seemed to feel at that moment in my life. How helpless, disjointed, out-of-body, and all together unfair. On the other hand- I remember how amazed I was at times because relationships formed out of nowhere with people who had experiences uncanny and similar to mine- creating a bond that could not be mimicked or faked. Solace was found sometimes by just sitting still and quiet overlooking the lake on a quiet afternoon, on pages and pages of a journal, by friends, by quotes, and in other various places that looking back seems so strange, yet so perfect. Sigh- what a whirlwind.

From a distance you could see the designated area. I’m not sure what gave it away more- the announcements pouring over the loud speaker, the vendor tents, or the sea of pink. Giggling- it’s magnificent that many men in one place wearing pink. Some of them even wearing pink boas and bunny ears. The true magnificence of it all is that 30,000 plus people are laying aside differences and coming together to fight for women across the world. Promising not to rest until the race is won- until a cure is found.

I lined up at the start waiting for my three mile journey to begin- for my personal Race for the Cure. The flood of emotions had already started- at home, seeing the boy scouts with the flag, hearing the national anthem, and with the anticipation of what lie ahead of me. Finally we were off- it was a slow start I’ll admit- but I finally got a nice jogging rhythm down and plugged my iPod in.

I was surrounded by thousands of people, we were all headed in the same direction, and we all (for the most part) seemed to have the same goal- to get to the finish line. The lady with the spandex pants (she could totally pull them off too, crazy) and the sweet glasses to my left was alone- she had a brisk walk, seemed to have a lot on her mind. The two ladies to my right each had two large Macy’s bags (Macy’s was probably having a secret and special sale of some sorts- you know the one that happens only one time of the year- I digress). This was particularly odd to me. It’s a 3 mile run- why bring excess baggage? Anyway- I continued jogging I saw couples holding hands, individuals, groups, children, men running in memory of their wives- I guess what I’m getting at there were people of all races, ages, societal classes, and sexes. All moving at different paces, all with different motivations and motives, all carrying different amounts of baggage, but working together, cheering each other on to the finish. In fact, as I rounded the first corner there was a group of citizens who resided in The Meadow standing on the sidewalks outside their homes cheering us on. All along the streets and sidewalks of this journey were people cheering us on, encouraging us to complete the race, and fulfilling our needs.

In life sometimes it is easy to forget that we’re all headed in the same direction- that we’re all just trying to get to the finish line. Sure, they might be different finish lines; but I guess the point I’m making is we are never on our journey alone. There is always someone. Just like the two ladies to my right- some of us might be carrying excess baggage. Or, like the lady to my left- some of us might look great in spandex but have a heavy heart and heavy mind. Looking good in spandex will only get you so far after all. In all seriousness, there are always people who have already finished the race who are standing on the sidelines cheering and encouraging us. Sometimes all we have to do is take a moment to look around. After all, The Meadow is only some place you stay in for a while. So, whether you walk or you run, be sure to look around while you’re there. There will be someone cheering you on- like they were me. In fact, it may just be me. And, when you get to the finish regardless of how fast or how slow you made it through The Meadow-run, run as fast as you can. Celebrate!

That 3 mile run through The Meadow was emotional and amazing. Like many others who journeyed through The Meadow this weekend, I promise I will not rest until the race is won- until a cure is found.

Days that change your life

2009-03-09T06:27:00.000-05:00

This post has been awarded runner-up contender for "Post Of The Day" for March 13, 2009 over at International Best-Selling Author and Photographer David McMahon's Blog Thank you very much indeed David!

March 7, 2007 marks a day that has forever changed my life.

It is this day I realized my hopes and dreams for graduating school, getting married, and having children were not going to be what I had imagined them to be my entire life. I realized that no matter how much I loved the man I was soon about to make my husband- he was never going to change- and that unfortunately was something I was unprepared to live with. You see, I was stuck in a relationship with a man who loved alcohol, "the boys", hanging onto his child-like ways, and himself and that left me just that stuck at the corner of something and something scared, lost, and sobbing knowing the inevitable was fast approaching. That night as cars and the rest of the world sped past me as my world caved in I knew he and I had finally come to an abrupt end- there would be no happily ever after.

This past weekend marked the 2 year anniversary of March 7th for me. Far more dread and anticipation went into the day than the day itself. The day itself actually passed with only some emotion and little acknowledgment. The truth is my mind (and emotions) have been rather preoccupied the last couple of weeks.

I learned a few valuable lessons from my ex fiance-
1) you cannot change people
2) there is no one in this world who will love you like you love you

As for lesson one: Regardless of how much time, love, care, and adoration you invest in them and regardless of how much you might even believe in them they are and will continue to be exactly who they are- for better, for worse. This sometimes is a very painful reality as I have been forced to learn and accept the past couple of weeks. If you cannot live with the fact that they do not take off their muddy shoes outside when you start dating, you will be unable to live with this fact when you are on year two.

As for lesson two: there will be no one who will know what you need better than you. This one was really hard for me and truthfully, continues to be hard for me. We live in a world where most of us grew up with our parents teaching us to not be "selfish". I am here to tell you that watching out for yourself and taking care of you is not being selfish despite what the world might tell you. There is something to be said for listening to your gut instinct. I myself have failed to listen to my instinct a number of times, have been told by a number of men that it is me making them pay for the mistakes of boyfriends past, and that I am simply just being insecure. The little voice in your head, the looming cloud of questions they are all there for a reason so do not ignore them this is yourself trying to take care of you.

I ask myself (especially recently), how much heart ache could I have saved myself if I'd only remembered lesson number one and two and held them so much closer and referred to them so much more often?

There are somethings that can never be replaced...

2009-03-02T23:20:00.006-06:00

There is nothing better than spending an evening with someone who is truly imperfectly perfect, amazingly heartfelt, purely genuine, where truth is not merely a forethought, and they just get you. Where words do not have to be spoken to fill the distance- where merely sitting in each others presence is enough regardless that it's been months since the last time you've seen each other.

Nothing can replace drinking bottles of wine, smoking cigarettes on the porch, sharing stories but better yet sharing memories, snuggling beneath blankets to idly watch TV together, and laughing til we cry.

Tonight did not disappoint.

Rainbows, Butterflies, and Marshmallow Clouds

2009-02-22T20:33:00.008-06:00

For those of you who have known me a while you've watched the transformation of my life from childhood, to adolescences, and into adulthood. For those of you who are new additions to my life I will try to summarize.

I was born into a Military family, although my Father wasn't in the military for more than 4 years of my life it still ended up playing a role in my upbringing. His father was in the military, my mom's father was in the military- it was everywhere in my family. I remember many times in the summer going to visit my grandfather at work and playing in military airplane hangers and practicing saluting officers and pretending I was the next Commander General. I'm also one of those "born in church" babies. For as long as I can remember my life was heavily seasoned by religion and strict rules.

As a child and even for a large portion of my adolescent years I was incredibly shy. I knew I lived an incredibly sheltered life and in a lot of ways I was down right naive. I didn't listen to music that wasn't Christian music, i didn't use profanity, I didn't go to parties, I volunteered at the Boy's and Girl's Club on Saturday morning teaching piano lessons, my summers were filled with elective mission trips to Mexico to teach vacation Bible school to orphans and children less priveldged and summer camps of all kinds. If I wasn't at voice or piano lessons (or the occasional competition, recital, etc) or dance practice/competitions I was at church every other opportunity it was available- my friends were the same way. It was what was always expected- I didn't know anything different and not meeting the expectations others had simply wasn't an option. Every child wants their parents to be proud.

Now that I'm into adulthood I've taken some time to reflect and look back. I'm not so sheltered anymore. I've had my heart broken and I've also broken hearts. I've been disappointed and I've disappointed others. I've experienced the world and the world is finally getting a chance to experience me. I no longer strive to meet everyone else's expectations- I live to meet my expectations which seem to be far harder to meet as well as striving to achieve my dreams and goals. Sometimes that makes me feel selfish. I don't play the piano near as much as I'd like to although I'm sure my neighbors are grateful I don't. I never sing anymore and volunteering is something I rarely make time for. I used to be the girl who took time to write notes of encouragement, thank you notes, just little things to make people feel special- all too often now I find myself "too busy".

Somewhere in this funny thing called life it becomes easy to loose ourselves. Mistakes happen, sometimes we end up with the wrong crowd of people, we make poor choices and sometimes those things affect us and those around us. Recently through a series of hurtful and trying events I have had the privileged to be reminded that somewhere inside of me is still that naive child- who hopes and dreams of a world where everyone gets along. Who believes that people are genuinely nice even though sometimes they may do bad things. That child who isn't afraid to make themselves raw, real, and vulnerable because they do not know anything other than rainbows, butterflies, and marshmallow clouds exist in this world. That child that holds on to the dream that they will find true, amazing, and passionate love.

Maybe part of me is still naive- because even though I've lived in this world and I have felt it be a cold cold place- I still hold out hope and dream for a world full of rainbows, butterflies, and marshmallow clouds.

Yearning for Summer

2009-02-20T13:42:00.000-06:00

Today is National Margarita Day. I love, and yes I do mean LOVE, my margarita's. Original, Mango, Strawberry, Swirl, Pomegranate, you name- if it's got tequila and a salted rim chances are I'll drink it.

Today I'm yearning for the intense heat of the scorching sun, the crisp sounds of crashing waves, the sound of children playing, and the smell of all things summer. To be able to loose my inhibitions lounging pool side while enjoying a pitcher, or two- hell maybe even three- of margarita's sounds like a fantastic retreat from the stresses that have inundated my life. To be able to wiggle my toes into the warm sand, to laugh and giggle, to lay in a hammock and stare out across the deep blue sea at a lighthouse in the distance twirling around and around to bring the boats safe into harbor, to be able to wear flip flops and bikini's, to play sand volleyball, and to do it all with a 'Rita in hand (excluding the sand volleyball that could get complicated).

Oh to be able to "waste away again in Margaritaville."

C'est La Vie

Passion

2009-02-03T17:52:00.000-06:00

Write. Delete. Re-write. Delete again. Re-write again. Maybe it's writer's block but for the life of me I can't really figure out how to start...that kind of seems to just be "me" the past few days. My mind is a sorted disaster of thoughts.

Overall I could sum up the past few days- well to be candid- as strange. I've had a hard time wrapping my head around all the events that have transpired and led me to certain thoughts and certain situations. We all have those moments where we find ourselves somewhere and we literally ask ourselves "How did I get here?!" And by somewhere I don't even necessarily mean a location, it could be a metaphorical place, maybe a state of mind, maybe a place in life. I guess what I'm getting at is "that place" could be a lot of different things.

It seems to be getting confusing doesn't it? :Grins:

One thing I have stumbled across the past few days is passion.

pas⋅sion [pash-uhn]- noun: a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything; strong amorous feeling or desire.

Regardless how many times I feel like I've been knocked down. Regardless that I have felt frustrated beyond all belief, maybe even insignificant at times, passion has continued to push me forward and to motivate me. It has caused me to continue holding onto the dream- it's kind of funny how passion does that to you even when circumstances seem dismal.

There's so much more I'd anticipated to write in this blog post- but again- my thoughts are incredibly fleeting lately. For now I'm content knowing I have something in my life worth being passionate about- I have something to work for, to strive for, to hope for, and above all to look forward to coming into fruition.

Music Saves The Day

2009-01-29T19:36:00.003-06:00

I had a rough day today. Maybe it was the constant pit in my stomach, the seemingly never ending meetings, the demanding financial needs of student loans (we all have them). I really can't pinpoint it to one specific thing. What I do know is that music really helps get me through the day.

Here are a few of the songs that helped get me through tooday:

I Just Love You, Five For Fighting
Elephants, Rachael Yamagata
The Luckiest, Ben Folds
Wreck of The Day, Anna Nalick
Tree Hugger, Antsy Pants
Slow Down, New Moscow
The Suggestion Box, Aqueduct
Before Cologne, Ben Folds
Knock, Knock, Lenka
Black Tables, Other Lives
There is So Much More, Brett Dennen
Throw It All Away, Brandi Carlile
Bag of Hammers, Thao Nguyen & the Get Down Stay Down
Into the Fire, Thirteen Senses
Lolli Lolli, Three Six Mafia
Whatever You Like, T.I.

Not all of these songs are happy and upbeat songs- as many would expect. Ultimately I look at many other things besides just creating endorphins- the message, a beat, a feeling it creates, how it inspires me- all of the songs are on the list for a very different reason - I could have added a ton more but I guess I've provided a good list to start with.

When words won't do...

2009-01-27T11:29:00.001-06:00

My mind keeps drifting off to here:

But in all actuality I'm here:

Cubicle Etiquette

2009-01-20T18:08:00.000-06:00

I find myself incredibly and continually entertained by my HR department. I am sure there are many of you out there who have the same sentiments towards your HR departments. I know a lot of people think HR jobs are rather meaningless- but the way I look at it is there wouldn't be anyone to provide me wonderful blogging topics, laughter throughout the day, or countless pointless emails if they weren't around.

So I bring myself to the subject of my blog today. This is a topic that seems pretty self explanatory and common sense- yet my HR department felt it necessary to email about it. I spend 9 hours a day, generally more, in my little cubie haven. I've spent significant time making it as homey as possible. I've included some pics of my cubie for your viewing pleasure:

Giraffes are my favorite animal, therefore, they have to be a part of my office decor. Not to mention the mini Papasan chair from Pier 1 is simply adorable.

My bookshelf and filing cabinet. Check out the 2 foot stack of filing yet to be done. The highlight of this pic is really supposed to be the family photos atop the bookshelf.

My achievements.

My computer screen where I sit most the time. You can't see him but Clancy and my other talking giraffe lurk behind the computer screen. Oh, and the fabulous high school pic of a fantastic coworker is taped to my computer screen.

My many stacks of "To Do's". More pics, a jar of skittles (which I munch on more than anyone I think), and my beautiful vases.

My seating area and fabulous Pier 1 lamp with lamp stand. Oh and lest we forget the map of our Metropolitan Planning Area.

An overall shot of the cubie- well as much as I could get with a camera phone.

I'm digressing, which for those of you who know me know that's typical. Anyway, as I was saying before I got sidetracked. HR sent out this email about Cube Etiquette. Here are some of the highlighted points**:

1) Eavesdrop inconspicuously. Is eavesdropping EVER ok?! Really?! Who are you people?!
2) Get an invitation. To do what exactly?!
3) Do not be a pest. Can you define pest?
4) Respect meditation. Yes boss, please abide by this rule. When you see my head on my desk, a puddle of drool forming - remember I am meditating, please respect it.
5) Be a soft talker. What about those people who naturally don't have soft voices? Are they supposed to take up pantomiming? Oh, I know, we can implement the use of Morse code. Sign Language maybe?
6) Do not play with electronics. I don't even think I understand what they are trying to say.
7) Keep private matters private. This seems rather obvious, yes?
8) Suffer alone. So when I slam my knee into my desk I can't scream really loud?! That's no fun.
9) Kick others out gracefully. Is there really a polite way to kick someone?
10) Keep snacking to a minimum. What does it matter if I snack a lot? Are they concerned about having a bunch of fat people working for them?
11) Decorate with taste. I guess I'll leave my half nude poster of Matthew Mcconaughey at home. Damn.
12) Prevent distractions. This just seems rather impossible, but thanks for the suggestion. Come again another day.
13) Do not sneak up on others. What's an office prank if I can't sneak up on someone?
14) Be cautious with foliage. Really?! Having a jungle as my office reduces my level of work? Strange.
15) Avoid eating strong foods at your
desk. I wish the person eating tuna fish today had read this....
16) Watch your micro maize. Everyone who knows what the hell a micro maize is raise your hand. Well, I don't see anyone raising their hand so I suppose I made my point there.
17) Plan construction projects for
after hours. Surely they aren't implying loud banging could be distracting.
18) Do not offend the olfactory. Note to self: if you have bad stinky gas go outside. Also using large amounts of perfume/cologne to cover up bad stinky gas is also probably a no go.

So this post doesn't get incredibly long I will re-post another HR inspired blog tomorrow for your viewing and reading pleasure.

**This is not a complete list- some that were not nearly as entertaining as others have been left out. If you so desire the entire list you can view it here: Get a Life

Nosy People **

2009-01-15T12:05:00.002-06:00

There is one thing in this world that I find insatiably annoying- Nosy People. It's inevitable they are lurking behind every door, around every corner, and just outside every building waiting to pounce on you and your endeavors. They have a laundry list of questions to ask with a secondary list for follow-up seeming as if they truly have nothing better to do.

I guess really I should amend my first sentence- there are really two things in this world that I find insatiably annoying- 1) Nosy People and 2) Immature people. This is a lethal combination of personality traits. Maybe it's just me but it seems as people get older they have more time to spend nosing into other peoples business. And, unfortunate (but true) there are those who fit the bill of possessing both personality traits. Some people just never ever mature. I'm not sure which is more tragic- their lack of a life to entertain themselves, their unquenchable need to be involved in everyone else's business, or their inability to handle situations and function as a mature adult therefore resulting in the spreading of useless (and often times untrue) information and drama.

When as adults are we too old to meddle in others affairs? When do we outgrow the option of resorting to the fifth grade antics of sitting around the lunch table telling secrets of newly acquired information from our meddling session?

**Disclaimer- this is simply me ranting.

Words that Make me Giggle

2009-01-12T11:47:00.001-06:00

Munch
Wiggle
Panties
Fanny
Boobies
Grunt
Sphincter
Uranus
Schlong
Caulking
Masticate
Goober
Discombobulated
Snorkel
Flatulence/Fart
Wedgie
Spelunking

I know this is a rather juvenile post today- but I felt like giggling. So I did just that. Please post a comment, what's a word that makes you giggle?

Best and Worse Commercials of All Time

2009-01-09T11:48:00.000-06:00

I wanted to take the time today to write about something I'm passionate about.

Marketing.

An advertisement can really make or break a product. There are forever those advertisements that will be stuck in my head because they elicited some type of emotion. Not only have I laughed at commercials but I've also cried and been incredibly disgusted.

Some of my all time favorite commercials:

Quizno Subs- Let me set the record straight- I don't like this commercial because of it's spectacular editing or picture quality. I actually like it because it's incredibly terrible and tacky. I mean let's be honest- the rat looks like it was cut out of a magazine, pasted on a stick, and used as a puppet while being filmed in someone's garage. Every time I see Quizno's though I hear the rat signing in my head.

Juicy Fruit- My favorite part of this commercial is when you see the foot in the shower and then it's just a leg and then not two seconds later the one legged manequin is riding a bike and runs head first into a car. Fantastic.

Axe Commercial- I'm not sure what I love more that she ditches Granny in the rollers (so cliche) OR how she jumps towards him (a grocery clerk of all people who looks much under her age bracket) gyrating her hips. And that she obnoxiously continues making those noises and begins leaning on the fruit stand doing, what I call, the Beyonce booty dance. Tragic thing is many guys probably fell for this advertisement- I can think of one in particular who douses him self (and his bedroom) in Axe before facing the world. Wow!

As we all know there are some terrible, terrible, marketing campaigns out there. I really get annoyed by all the drug commercials. Specifically I get really aggravated by the Erectile Dysfunction medications. These just really kinda of give me the heebie jeebies because it's always someone the age of my grandma and grandpa on these commercials and quite frankly I'm disturbed at the thought of Granny and Gramps getting it on. And for my least favorite marketing campaign ever:

Charmin:

Beach Race- Really bears running down the beach?! It's freaking toilet paper.

Ultra Strong- I don't want the image of bears chasing each other around in the field in order to pick off pieces of gross and disgusting used toilet paper stuck to their arses. Seriously.

I guess you've figured it out by now- I think Charmin has the lamest marketing campaign known to man kind. In fact, I think this so much so I've taken time to write their marketing department to inform them of how lousy their marketing is. The truth is no one wants to watch a bear urinate or defecate on TV and then promptly wipe the arse, moan, and grin. Seriously, it's disgusting. I have refused for a number of years to buy Charmin for this very reason- regardless of how superior their product may or may not be.

So, maybe you're saying to yourself- maybe she really isn't passionate about marketing so much as she's just passionate about Charmin's marketing. That may be the case- I just wanted to share a little piece of me.

The End.

Out with the Old, In with the New

2009-01-03T20:18:00.000-06:00

2008 is over and 2009 has officially begun. It’s been 2009 for a few days now so I suppose a 2009 New Years blog summing up 2008 and forecasting my hopes, dreams, and goals for 2009 is only appropriate. Here goes.

I was happy and relieved to see 2008 come to a close. My biggest accomplishment was finishing my Masters- what a relief it was to finally have that out of the way. I had finally freed up my time to devote more of my time to work and focus on other areas of my life that needed much attention. Metaphorically- it was time to clean house. The remaining months of 2008 would prove to be an incredible adventure of introspection, hope, love, disappointment, and growth. The people who walked out of my life were necessary departures and those amazing people who walked into my life have impacted me in ways that words simply won’t do justice- many of these individuals will forever be a part of my life (even if it is their mere remebrance).

As for my goals for 2009-
• create/maintain healthy relationships
• learn better stress management
• learn to let go of the past
• define me: career goals, expectations, desires, likes/dislikes, hobbies
• create an adequate work/life balance
• get out of debt
• take at least 1 vacation (non work related)
• focus on updating accessories and clothes (had to have something fun)

I can only expect that 2009 will bring an equal amount of change as 2008. I continue to look forward to how my life will be molded by individuals who will cross my path and I how I will continue to grow. Life is truly the adventure I make it and I'm no longer hesitating to make it everything and more than I have ever dreamed about.

My Environmental Soap Box

2008-12-24T13:55:00.001-06:00

I hate wrapping paper.

Let's admit that even though the prints of wrapping paper the past few years have gotten significantly better there are still some rather ugly and distasteful rolls of wrapping paper lurking in every store. AND- it never fails someone you know always seems to find the most hideous one out there to use to wrap your gift. This is really besides the point of my blog so I'll move on.

I'm choosing to blame my hatred on the fact that wrapping paper is really truly not eco friendly. In fact, it's incredibly wasteful. After all the majority of households probably do not recycle their hideous wrapping paper from year to year, let alone recylce in general. Believe me, I could carry on and on about the effects of wrapping paper on the environment and the effects of not recycling but i won't bore you. To all you eco friendly people out there, yes, there are hemp based wrapping papers and other more eco friendly ways of wrapping gifts- all of which I support (except the wrapping paper, more on this later).

This is later...

I guess I should get to the real point and reason I hate wrapping paper- I can't use it. Yes, it seems like a pretty familiar household item that shouldn't need instructions, however, a three year old would have more success wrapping a gift than I do. Generally, my gifts come out resembling some type of paper mache arts and crafts project on crack. I can stuff bags with tissue paper all day long. But-wrapping paper is seriously the spawn of Satan- and those people in the stores who gift wrap as a living- I'm convinced they're from the dark side.

I think self awareness is important- not in this case- so in light that I'd rather SEEM more rational i'll continue to base my hatred of wrapping paper on my environmental conscience (which is still a percentage true just not the larger percentage.)

Regardless- hope you and yours have a Very Merry Christmas and Santa only brings you fabulous prints of wrapping paper with only the best of gifts inside of them.

The Heart is like a Light Bulb

2008-12-22T07:36:00.001-06:00

One day I came home to find my patio in disarray. My giraffe wreath stand was knocked over and the wreath was strewn across my patio, the doormat was part way down the stairs, my porch light was shattered and the glass remains were scattered everywhere. The crazy thing was a post it note was left on my door that said- "Next time maybe someone won't care." That part is seemingly irrelevant though.

You think I'd be alarmed, however, I simply knelt down and started picking up the pieces of the light bulb. As I did this I started thinking a light bulb is like a heart- it's fragile and has to be handled gently. It doesn't take much to cause it to break but once it's broken it is nearly impossible to put back together and it will never be the same. It will never have the same luminosity. It will never shine as bright. The cracks and the scars will always remain leaving it only half as strong as it originally was.

As I continued picking up the jagged edged pieces of the light bulb my hands began to hurt and bleed. I realized that as humans it's instinctive (the first response typically) for us to try to put back together the pieces of our heart. Never in a million years would one sit there and try to glue back together the pieces of a shattered light bulb. Why? Because the remnants of the glass would hurt their hands leaving them mangled and bloodied. The more we as humans spend trying to piece back together the remnants of our hearts the more we hurt other areas of our lives and relationships.

When it comes to matters of the heart, time is often what is most necessary. That philosophy may not really apply to the light bulb however. It's hard (seemingly impossible) to give the necessary time and distance- to not meddle in our own heart affairs, to feel the twinges of pain; sadness; loneliness; regret; and guilt that generally follow a broken heart.

Don't get me wrong this situation, both real life and metaphorically, is scary. There are so many questions that go unanswered. So many fears and doubts. No one likes a broken heart but every one loves the events that lead up to it (again not really true for the light bulb). So, rather than hold on to the shattered remnants, hold on to the preceding events. Trust that what is meant to be will be even with a little bit of time and distance in the picture.

Like me, be thankful that there was someone in this world who showed you with time those jagged edged pieces became a little less jagged and with time your heart had been pieced back together and you were able to love again.

Stinky Cologne Guy

2008-12-16T17:17:00.001-06:00

Dear Stinky Cologne Guy,

I cannot tell you how incredibly offended I am that you would walk into my meeting in your ugly sherbert orange shirt (in which you rolled up your sleeves- NOTE TO SELF: that style went out and isn't coming back), starched black denim pants, and your gold tipped cowboy boots (gag)and matching belt (double gag) and choose to sit next to me. Not to mention you (and your terrible outfit) were only about 2 hours late.

Then it hit me- no I'm not talking about your multiple Rose tatoos (one of which said Mom or something equally as awkward which I'll choose to bypass this blog)-I'm talking about the stench of cheep cologne that followed you. It was so terrible I thought I was going to have to ask my new coworker to give me CPR- how awkward was that going to be- I'd just met the girl. Although she was attractive- she was still a she, and we'd just become recently acquainted.

Might I suggest next time you choose water as your preferred liquid to shower with rather than bottles of Wal-Mart brand cologne.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Meeting Attendee

Craziness

2008-12-08T17:56:00.001-06:00

I wrote a letter to "Santa" today for the first time in a very very long time. It took me back to my childhood when things were so much less complicated. There weren't clammering demands of work, financial needs, family, and just life in general.

It was crazy to see how much my list for things have changed. Instead of asking for barbies and makeup I'm asking for love and a Pink iPod. Truth be told- I could do without the iPod if I got love.

I guess what I'm getting at is change is inevitable, growing up isn't something that can be avoided forever. It's hard realizing that so much has changed and that there is so much more I'm responsible for. All in all though the change is beautiful. I've learned that the key to change is to let go of fear- fear of the future, fear of how people will respond, fear of the unknown.

I've also realized that when I'm through changing, I'm really truly through. This seems like a pretty common sense statement. An old professor used to tell me "Nobody has arrived, if you think you've arrived, you're wrong." As long as I'm still growing and changing I know I've yet to arrive upon the resting place of who I am going to be- to me, that's really exciting.

It's almost a New Year

2008-12-03T12:21:00.000-06:00

For a long time I've posted my blogs on my myspace- but since it's almost a new year I thought why not do something new. Live a little. Get a little crazy.

Anyway, I'm not sure I'm dead set on the name. I just don't have a lot of creativity flowing through my veins today. I'll revisit that topic later.

Hope you enjoy reading as much as I will enjoy writing.